by Gwen Petersen
Big Timber, Mont.
March 27, 2008

Finnegan’s wife was killed in an accident and the police questioned him. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“Sure,” said Finnegan, “she spoke without interruption for about 40 years.”

Did you know that Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business cards in case they lose them?

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”
“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”
“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Oooch! There goes another one!”

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed.
They ran out of scaffolding.

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Q. What are the best 10 years of an Irishman’s life?
A. Third grade.

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn’t come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

What’s black and blue and floats in Sydney Harbour?
A person caught telling “Paddy the Irishman” jokes.

After a heavy night’s drinking, two Irishmen staggering home from the pub, took a short cut through the graveyard. Being worse for wear, they decided to rest against a stone.
Paddy read the inscription. “Do y’know, Michael, this fella here lived till he was a 103!!”
“And did he come from hereabouts then?” asked Michael.
“No,” said Paddy, reading the stone, “he was Miles, from Dublin.”

A man is walking down the streets of Belfast late one night when another man jumps out of the shadows holding a machine gun and asks: “Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
The first man responds “Neither; I’m Jewish.”
In a hail of gun fire he falls dead. The second man starts to walk away and thinks to himself, I’m the luckiest Arab in Ireland.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness. After being served, a fly landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his pint away in disgust and proceeded to order another pint.
The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting “SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!”

Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He’s the one with patches over both eyes.

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned.
Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke.
The Scots haven’t seen the joke yet.

Paddy Murphy went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.
“We have 99” replied the shop owner.
“Give us the lot,” said Paddy, paid for them and left. He went to a tailor’s shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by asked him what had happened.
“Sure, I don’t know,” Paddy replied “but that’s the last time I try that budgie jumping.”

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks Murphy’s lucky because HIS wife makes him walk.

And finally:
Q: Do you know why God created whiskey?
A: So the Irish wouldn’t rule the world. v