Gwen Petersen
Big Timber, Mont.

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December 10, 2012
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Gwen Petersen: In a Sow's Ear 12-10-12


Since I have arrived in the country of well-seasoned, fully ripe, mature adulthood — in other words older than dirt — I take leave to make fun of said inescapable condition. Dr. Seuss did so. If you haven’t come across his hilarious doggerel: “The Cat in the Hat on Aging,” do yourself a favor and look it up for a chortle. His versified comments led me to offer the following:

The 12 Gifts of Aging

On the first day of Aging, my body gave to me, a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the second day of Aging, my body gave to me, two sagging chins and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the third day of Aging, my body gave to me, three wild hairs, two sagging chins and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the fourth day of Aging, my body gave to me, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the fifth day of Aging, my body gave to me, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the sixth day of Aging, my body gave to me six drooping fat rolls, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the seventh day of Aging, my body gave to me seven pairs of glasses, six drooping fat rolls, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the eighth day of Aging, my body gave to me eight varicose veins, seven pairs of glasses, six drooping fat rolls, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the ninth day of Aging, my body gave to me nine kidney stones, eight varicose veins, seven pairs of glasses, six drooping fat rolls, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the 10th day of Aging, my body gave to me 10 fungus toe nails, nine kidney stones, eight varicose veins, seven pairs of glasses, six drooping fat rolls, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the 11th day of Aging, my body gave to me 11 arthritic fingers, 10 fungus toe nails, eight varicose veins, seven pairs of glasses, six drooping fat rolls, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee.

On the 12th day of Aging, my body gave to me 12 gas expulsions, 11 arthritic fingers, 10 fungus toe nails, eight varicose veins, seven pairs of glasses, five aches and pains, four hammer toes, three wild hairs, two sagging chins, and a horrid liver spot by gee. ❖

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The Fence Post Updated Dec 10, 2012 04:10AM Published Dec 10, 2012 10:51AM Copyright 2012 The Fence Post. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.