Laugh Tracks in the Dust 5-10-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 5-10-10

Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

I got this e-mail last week from Bob somewhere in Colorado. 

“Dear Milo: Since they discovered water on the moon is there any truth to fact that Kansas laid claim to it? Rumor going around here in eastern Colorado is that it did. The rumor goes on to speculate your home state is going to make my state build a pipeline from the moon to the Kansas state line to supply more irrigation water. What have you to say about this situation?”

Well, Bob, it’s no secret that western Kansas needs supplemental water for all its irrigated crops, but probably not more so than eastern Colorado crops also need extra water.

My suggestion is for the two states to jointly apply for more “free stimulus” bucks from the government and together build that new pipeline. But, rather than use the water for ag purposes, let’s just sell it to all the “green and yuppie” folks at an exceedingly high price as “Moon Shine Water” and let our states split the profits.

The states should go for this idea becuz they could tax the “Moon Shine Water” at the same rate as the excellent Sheep Dip Scotch Whiskey or the incomparable Jack Daniels Bourbon and raise millions. Then the states could just give money directly to farmers to supplement their incomes – of course, after taking a good chunk off the top for administration. 

The whole idea dovetails wonderfully with everything else that’s going on around us.

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***

Well, it’s the next morning and during the night we had a little thunderstorm, wind and lightning. The result is that my Internet connection is nonfunctioning this morning.

I’m ashamed to admit how much I hate it when my Internet isn’t working. I get behind on the current news. I can’t read my e-mails to see if some kindly reader sent me a story to make this week’s column writing easier. I can’t get the scores of my favorite sports teams. In short it makes me a tad grumpy.

Who would’a ever thunk that an old-timer like me would get so hooked on modern technology? At least I haven’t gotten into Facebook, and My Space and YouTube and texting … yet!

***

My good friend, ol’ Canby Handy, from Platte City, Mo., wuzn’t quite so handy last week. At the behest of his son-in-law, ol’ Kiwi Cameover, Canby bought five Angus steers to keep the fescue down on his 15-acre “ranch” and to provide some tasty family beef later on when they’re fattened.

Now Canby’s “ranch” is “three-layered” with a patch of bottomland, and patch of middle ground, and a patch of topside ground. In between each is a steep patch of well timbered land. A little creek runs through the parcel north to south on the east end of the pasture.

Each day ol’ Canby dutifully checks on the well-being of his “herd.” One morning last week, he wuz startled to discover that two-fifths of his “herd” wuz missing.

He checked the whole “ranch” with his ATV and still no sign of the missing cattle. The fences all seemed to be intact.

That’s when Canby came to the conclusion that he wuz the victim of modern day cattle rustlers becuz the main pasture gate is right on an easy-access blacktop road.

So, Canby called the sheriff to investigate. While that investigation wuz underway, Canby’s neighbor to the north happened by and inquired, “Are ya’ missin’ a couple of steers? They’re over in my pasture.”

Sure enuf. That’s where the missing critters were. That’s when Canby made a much closer and thorough investigation of his one and only water gap which is at the bottom of a steep V ditch that he thought only a mountain goat could maneuver.

What he discovered is that the missing steers apparently have some mountain goat blood because that’s where they’d escaped his “ranch.”

After a lot of running, sweating, and the help of a neighbor on horseback, the two steers got back into their home pasture. Canby says he’s fixed his watergap tighter.

***

Well, all further thoughts have escaped my mental watergap, so I guess it’s time to put this column to a close. I’ll close this week with a quote about farming that I found in an old, old book of notable quotes. This one comes from Eugene F. Ware, who billed himself The Kansas Bandit. He said about farming: “The farmer works the soil. The agriculturist works the farmer.” 

Pretty close to the truth these days. Until we meet again next week, have a good ‘un.

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