The Olympic games are now filling up the news channels. This year, there’s some innovative competitions being recognized by the Olympic committee: Biathlon mixed relay, women’s ski jumping, figure skating mixed team, luge mixed team, ski half-pipe (men’s and women’s), ski slopestyle (men’s and women’s), snowboard slopestyle (men’s and women’s) and snowboard parallel slalom (men’s and women’s). But that’s not all. A new game/activity/competition developed by farm and ranch people is due to become the latest rage in Olympics land.
The new game originated in pastures, meadows and corrals where cattle roam. All winter, bovines make deposits of certain materials that have been recycled through their digestive tracts. The deposits emerge as splats ranging in size from approximately frisbee dimension to man-hole cover. Size and texture depend on the cow’s fodder intake and expulsion energy.
It was the Bubba Brothers, Beau, Brice and Braxton, who recognized the potential. They applied to the Olympic committee and submitted detailed guidelines. After a good deal of discussion, testing and arguing, it was decided to add the new activity to the roster of Olympic games. What, you ask, is this new competition called and how does it work? What skills are required? What equipment is necessary? Are there rules and what does a winner receive?
Easy questions. The new game is called Cowpie Kicking. It works well in open areas where cows have browsed. The major skill required is a strong leg and the ability to punt. Equipment is basic. Sturdy boots of the lace-up variety — may include steel toes.
Rules: Find pie. Swing leg. Whack pie.
Scoring: for each pie sent flying, the distance flown will be measured. Player earns a point for each 6-inches of distance pie has traveled. In the case of a soppy pie contact and subsequent soiling of boot, the player loses a point. A good eye for picking out the best (and firmest) pie is an asset to a player.
The winners receive the usual gold, silver or bronze medals as in other Olympic games. These medals are called splats. 2014 will be the first year for this new competition. So far, seven countries have sent cowpie athletes to Russia.
(Warble to tune: Springtime in the Rockies)
When the games begin in Russia
Our athletes will do their best.
When it’s time for kicking cowpies
They will always face the test.
They will send those cowpies flying
When in Russia they will play.
Kicking cowpies in the winter
Is a challenge every way.
When the ground is white with snow fall
It covers up the cowpies.
And it makes it hard to whack them
No matter how much they try.
So please watch the games in Russia
While Olympic games are on.
And cheer our cowpie teamsters
As we sing this cowpie song.
It’s a cowpie kicking contest
In old Russia’s wintry cold.
So they’ll smack them cowsplats gladly
Cuz they want to take the gold.
We’ll cheer on our stalwart players
Who have stood up to the test.
And we’ll proudly shout out kudos
Cowpie Kickers! You’re the best! ❖