Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

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March 3, 2014
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Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 2-24-14

Heard this funny true story last week. During the cold weather, a mother, her kindergarten son, and two family friends were playing a board game at the kitchen table.

As play progressed, the kindergartner wuz leading the game by a wide margin and wuz bragging loudly about his prowess at the game. That’s about the time the kid’s father walked into the room, saw the status of the board game, heard his son’s comments and made this comment of his own, “You’d better learn to be careful how you treat and talk to women, son.”

The playful tyke looked up at his dad and replied, “Don’t worry, Dad, I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

I guess that comment pretty well broke up all the adult players in the room — and the youngster had no idea why what he’d said wuz funny.

A middle-aged farmer was telling his buddy, “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter — who’s away at college — walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my monthly allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, take all my clothes, my TV, my laptop, and my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’”

“Holy smoke!” replied the friend, “She actually said that?”

“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that,” the farmer replied. “She actually introduced me to her new tattooed and pierced boyfriend and said, ‘We’re moving to San Francisco, dad, to take a fund-raising job with PETA.’”

OK, guess it’s time for a little bit risque Ole joke.

Ole runs into hard times on his dairy farm and sells out and takes a job driving a taxi in the Twin Cities.

He stops at a traffic light and a beautiful woman, sans any clothing, runs to the curb and jumps into his taxi.

Ole’s eyes widened and he stares at the woman in open-mouthed fixation. He makes no attempt to start the cab.

After a few long, awkward moments pass, the woman says to Ole, “What’s wrong with you, mister? Haven’t you ever seen a lady with no clothes on?”

Ole said “Ma’am, I’m not staring at you. Dat vould not be proper vair I come from back on de farm.”

The woman replies impatiently, “Well, clod hopper, if you’re not staring at me, just what are you doing?”

Ole looks at her and says: “Vell, I am lookin’ and I’m tinking to myself, how you gonna come up wit da money to pay de fare for dis ride?”

It’s been so cold around these parts that some of the more hardy, but intellectually challenged, rural folks have taken up ice fishing on some deep Flint Hills ponds.

In fact, two of my friends, Cole D. Heine, and Hans Numm, went out ice fishing one day when the temperature wuz 10 below zero and the windchill so low no one wanted to know. Before they went, they went to the local farm store and bought new insulated coveralls, new insulated boots, an ice auger and two bottles of apricot brandy.

They spent all day on the ice and caught only one small bass to show for their effort.

On the way home in Cole’s pickup, Hans said, “The way I figger it that little bass cost us around $400.”

Cole nodded in agreement, then added, “Well, if that’s the true cost, then we can consider ourselves lucky we didn’t catch a stringer full.”

On a bitterly cold day after the recent near-blizzard, the guys waiting for haircuts in the local rural barber shop were asked a hypothetical question by the barber. The question wuz this: “If you were stuck in a snowdrift with a beautiful actress, which one would you pick?”

The younger guys ticked off a list of all the currently famous and beautiful actresses, but when it came time for one curmudgeonly farmer to answer the question, he replied, “I wouldn’t care which one I wuz stuck with as long as she knew how to put on tire chains.”

As I trudged, bundled up, through the snow to do my chore this morning, I decided to end this column with some quotes about snow. Earl Wilson said, “Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.” Bill Watterson said, “Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10-cents in the lottery.” And, comedian Carl Reiner said, “A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”

At this point in winter, I tend to agree with Mr. Reiner. So, make the best of it and have a good ’un. ❖

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The Fence Post Updated Feb 21, 2014 10:53AM Published Mar 10, 2014 02:10PM Copyright 2014 The Fence Post. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.