Lee Pitts
Los Osos, Calif.

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August 4, 2014
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Lee Pitts: It's the Pitts 8-4-14

It is my highly respected opinion of myself that the reason that we in the United States have the highest divorce rate in the world is because of deodorant, mouthwash and perfume.

Now, you may find this subject matter stinky and offensive but hear me out.

It is a well known fact that one out of every two marriages in this country ends in divorce but it is a lesser known fact that we are one of the few countries in the world that uses underarm deodorant to disguise the way we really smell. I think the two statistics are related.

Most citizens of the world do not use perfumes or fragrances to disguise their own unique scent. We are the only people in the world with an aversion to our own natural aroma. Because our country is a melting pot of people and cultures from around the world, and because we all had our own unique eating habits and bathing customs we all had our own distinct body odors. For instance, the Italians eat a lot of garlic and in the time it takes one Italian to breathe one breath three Chinese somewhere in the world would die. I don’t think these two facts are related.

Some early immigrants to this country rarely bathed, which more or less gave them territorial rights to wherever they wanted to locate or live. And despite their relative geographic closeness, Cubans and Puritans did not intermingle to any great extent. That’s because Cuban men smoked cigars which gave them a certain air that the Puritans found offensive. Perhaps it should be noted that the Puritans were kind of suspicious anyway of anything emanating from their own bodies.

Deodorants and perfumes were invented to make us all less repugnant to one another and they have done more to further peace than the United Nations.

This was all well and good for the cosmetics industry and it worked real well for allowing us all to live and work together. But when it came time to find a mate the natural instincts of Americans were thrown off by these unnatural scents. Women of the 1950s fell in love with the smell of Brillantine Hair Tonic and Butch Wax only to find themselves living with the smell of Ben Gay liniment and Johnny Walker Red 40 years later. Even Brute or Old Spice can not hide the fact that men smell worse as they get older. It’s all part of the rotting process.

The use of perfumes to mask how we really smell is totally against the laws of nature. Just try loading a bunch of weaned calves on a truck that was used previously to haul hogs. The calves will take one whiff and refuse to load on the truck. I am told that a cow will balk when entering an auction ring if a Billy Goat had left his offensive odor there even a week before. And I know from experience that a horse will not cross a path if the smell of a freshly butchered chicken is in the air. Furthermore, when any kind of an animal selects a mating partner it is done largely through the sense of smell. The same is true of humans only the smell is an artificial one and we are being sent false signals. A young man today buys the scent of a celebrity perfume and actually thinks that using Michael Jordan perfume will improve his jump shot and all of a sudden give him the ability to dunk a basketball.

I suggest that the divorce rate in this country would be a lot lower and people would be a lot happier if we didn’t have deodorant, perfumes or scented mouth wash. When I first met my wife I had just sheared a mob of sheep, had mucked out a row of stalls and had just finished eating a chili size for lunch. But I didn’t try to hide it, although admittedly it would have been pretty hard to do. But we took one whiff of one another and have now been married 40 glorious years. Take it from a guy named Pitts, before you marry someone make sure and smell them for what they really are. ❖

Take it from a guy named Pitts, before you marry someone make sure and smell them for what they really are.

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The Fence Post Updated Jul 31, 2014 10:59AM Published Aug 25, 2014 01:39PM Copyright 2014 The Fence Post. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.