I’m ashamed of myself and admit that I’m a sicko. I sit for hours in a dark and secluded room with strained eyes staring at farmer porn in magazines for men with page after page of sexy hard bodies in alluring poses. And I simply can’t get enough.
Oh no, don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking at naked women or anything like that. I’m looking at advertisements for tractors, trucks and equipment in farm magazines. It’s my big secret, well not now that the “CAT” is out of the bag. See what I mean, I can’t even go two paragraphs without referring to big yellow diesel machinery.
I’m not supposed to be this way, after all, cowboys are supposed to hate tractors, trucks, heavy equipment or anything with a steering wheel or clutch. I should be looking instead at pictures of bulls, but frankly, they are all starting to look the same to me. Now days, if you’ve seen one bull you’ve seen them all.
I was first drawn to tractor ads by the seductive and come-hither advertising copy that goes with them. If ranchers sold bulls and horses like John Deere, Case and New Holland sell tractors, rancher classified ads might read something like this:
In Stock — Fabulous selection of new and used bulls. We have all sizes from small to large, all tuned up and ready to go to work. 2013 models on sale now starting at only $325,000. Zero percent financing available for 15 years with no money down. Our bulls are known for their great service after the sale.
Parting Out — 2001 model Longhorn cows for sale. 15 units available. Act today for they won’t last long. (Literally.) Barren, with no teeth but their hides and horns are worth a fortune on today’s scrap market. Give Loco Larry a call and get your chance to win an all expense paid vacation to our annual bull sale.
Let’s rodeo! — For sale ... wild and crazy bulls just gathered off the Arizona desert. Haven’t seen a human in five years. Great rodeo prospects with leather seats, great financing and no bloat or B.S. They come with an attitude adjustment. Call for a free demo. Bring your truck. NO loader will be available to help you load them. Big reduction! — 1995 model bull with few moving parts. Not fully articulated due to arthritis. Guaranteed for three days which is about how long it will take to get the old bugger home. Has a leaky rear housing with no tread left. Will lengthen shorter frames. Let’s talk.
One Horsepower! — Low emission horse with very few hours on it. Actually it was seconds. Selling for health reasons and to pay medical bills recently incurred. Manual transmission in excellent condition with a 12 month interest waiver. Life insurance not included.
Bale Busters — Super selection of old and new cows, many with duel eyes and ears. Come see our late model trade-ins and compare our prices. All units are not located at a single location and owner may not know they’re for sale yet. For additional info call Mike the cow trader.
A Real Ripper — Late model straw chopper to handle all your weed and residue management problems. Good teeth, in stock with self levelers. A real hill walker. In super condition. Runs good ... and doesn’t walk too bad either.
Rental Return — Just back from a prominent AI stud. Long wheel base, duals front and rear, and always shedded. Three month warranty on undercarriage and certified to be trich free. Call for special pricing. A real breeding machine with no programming necessary. Rent or buy.
Fertilizer Package — 2012 model, manure spreading cow. Comes with a 52 gallon tank with two nozzles. One nozzle for bulk and another for liquid. Four hoof drive with automatic seeding and minimum compaction. Like new, rust proof and fully loaded, if you know what I mean. ❖