This column is a collection of odds and ends that have come into my possession by various means the past few months. It’s time to “git ’em out of here.”
A rural volunteer fireman wuz taking his turn to wash the community fire truck. He had it parked out by the curb and was leisurely scrubbing the truck when he noticed a little boy come by on the sidewalk and the kid wuz obviously playing fireman.
The kid had a little red wagon with toy ladders attached to the sides, a garden hose coiled up in the bed and the “make believe firetruck” wuz being pulled by a dog and a tomcat. The kid wuz wearing a cute little plastic fire helmet.
The volunteer felt a little thrill go through him at the very thought that a child in the community recognized the rural fire department for the often thankless job that it did.
When the kid stopped in the shade next to him, the fireman said to him, “That’s sure a nice firetruck you have there.”
“I wanna be a fireman when I grow up,” the lad commented.
“That’s admirable,” the volunteer said. But then he looked a little closer at the kid’s “firetruck” and he noticed that the wagon wuz being pulled only by the kid’s dog. It had a string attached to its collar and to the red wagon tongue. He also noticed that the tomcat wuz tied to the dog and that it had a string attached to the tenderest part of its anatomy running back to the kid’s hand.
The fireman commented, “Your firetruck is well equipped and well maintained, son, but I have a suggestion for your rig. I think if you tied a string to your tomcat’s collar, you could go faster with both the dog and the cat pulling together.”
The kid pushed his plastic fire helmet back on his head and replied, “That’s probably true, but it wouldn’t be safe, because then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A retired farming couple, Abe and Esther, are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
They are way out over the Pacific Ocean when, suddenly, over the public address system, the airliner’s captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills before we left?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”
A cowboy goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls to the bartender saying, “I’ll have another Waterloo.”
The bartender gives the fellow a tall ice cold drink in a frosty glass, then asks the cowboy what he would like to drink.
“Wanting to try this new drink he’d never heard of,” he says, “Why, I’ll have a Waterloo, too.”
The bartender gives him a tall ice-cold drink.
The cowboy takes a big drink and says, “Hey! This ain’t any good. It tastes just like water!”
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, “Well, it is just water ... right, Lou?”
My friend, ol’ Saul M. Reeder, ministers in a little church that has been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from farmer Brown’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
In reading this column, I hope you kept in mind a wise quote from Will Rogers. He said, “Everything is funny — as long as it’s happening to someone else.”
Thank you, Mr. Rogers. Have a good ’un. ❖