Mad Jack Hanks
Wellington, Colo.

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November 4, 2013
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Mad Jack Hanks: Tales From The O-NO Ranch 11-4-13

Today is the sort of day I think that a zombie would enjoy. Yep, it’s cold, rainy, dreary and just the perfect October day for helping us find our way into the waiting winter that lurks just around the next corner.

I went to a Halloween party this past Saturday night and the zombies were there in full force. Now I mean, gentle readers, these folks that I saw were doing their “dead” level best (of corpse a pun intended) to recreate the walking dead. For me, I have never yet watched that T.V. show called “The Walking Dead.” For the “life” of me I can’t understand the fascination that so many of you have with it. I hear folks talking about it constantly and I mean people that I consider to be intelligent, resourceful, and not leaning on fantasy all that much.

It’s my understanding that in order to kill a zombie you have to cut it’s head off. Before that though, you need to shoot it with a 12 gauge shotgun using double ought buckshot. Is that true?

Actually, most mornings I feel like “the walking dead” when I first get out of bed. I walk with a stagger, sometimes stumbling sideways with my eyes rolled back in my head. Don’t “laff” I bet you do the same yourself on occasion! I think I much prefer to be an angel when my time comes. I don’t want to stagger around with a bunch of out of sinc folks with cuts, bruises and bandages all over my body and you could throw in lots of dirt, blood and just nasty stuff on top of that. WHAT? I’ve already been that way? Of course I have. It always happens when you are processing cattle or involved in a branding somewhere at some time or other.

Zombies don’t scare me at all. I’ll tell ya what scares me ... Example: Ole Joe came out this dreary morning to fetch the remainder of his steers I pastured this summer. Yesterday I was thinking that I would jump on Howdy, my fat paint hoss and gather up those bovines so they would be penned and ready to go. However it was windy, real windy, and from past experience I know not only cattle, but horses can get more than stupid in high wind. So I threw some hay in the back of the pickup and drove down along the creek in an effort to locate these steers and bait them up into the horse trap by the corrals and maybe even into the pens.

Of course one of the steers was across the fence on the neighbor’s place which is about 250-acres of rough ground but he was standing right close to a big wire gate that came into my place. I tossed off a little hay for his buddies to eat so he could watch them while I opened the gate to put him back across. He threw his head up and watched me open the gate and watched closely as I walked down the fence and crawled through in order to get behind him. Oh boy! Talk about stupid, not me ... him! He just knew that I, in fact ,was a zombie that had come to devour him. He’s thinking, maybe if he just took off for Albuquerque or parts unknown, he’d be better off. I was glad I didn’t come on my horse or he would have taken off the minute I rode through the gate.

I have a bad foot from a horse wreck when I was in my 40s so I knew I would have to outsmart him instead of outrun him on foot. I went back to the truck, brought down a little hay and placed it in front of the gate and boldly walked through the gate and placed my skinny body between him and New Mexico. He began to shake his head a little (that’s always scary) and then he sort of jumped to one side, wheeled around, ran in a short circle and then blasted through the gate. YEAH! Yep, they trailed the truck into the horse trap and eventually into the corral.

I smell my beef stew in the croc pot so I reckon I better stop the zombie talk and go stir my brew a little. I hope you all had a fun Halloween!

Stay tuned, check yer cinch on occasion, vote for freedom and I’ll c y’all, all y’all. ❖

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The Fence Post Updated Nov 1, 2013 11:49AM Published Nov 25, 2013 01:47PM Copyright 2013 The Fence Post. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.