Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

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November 18, 2013
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Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 11-18-13

I’ve got a veterinarian friend, Dr. I.N. Jector, who’s apparently not very happy with the way Obamacare is going to affect his practice’s health insurance program. At least I gather that from this e-mail that I received last week from him.

Here’s Dr. Jector’s cyberspace message:

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama’s new health care package. The allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The plastic surgeons thought that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.” The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were p#$%ed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the all the elected folks in Washington.

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, “I’d rather be tied up and assaulted of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

A young cowhand married a thoroughly-modern young lady from the big city and they went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “so how was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic ...”

She didn’t even finish the sentence when she suddenly burst out crying.

“But, mama, as soon as we returned, my new husband started using the most horrible language -- things I’d never heard before! I mean, awful four-letter words!

You’ve got to take me home! Please, mama.”

“Now, now,” her mother said, “Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words did he use?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. I’m so embarrassed. They’re just too awful to repeat! Just come get me.”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words.”

Sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama, he used words like dust, wash, iron and cook!”

“I’ll pick you up in 20 minutes,” said her mother.

Overheard in the local coffee shop. One farmer to another: “We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV, internet, DTN and games console shut down immediately. It was raining and there weren’t any auctions to go to, so I had to talk to my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.”

Most of the fall hunting seasons are on right now, so here’s a story with a moral to it for all hunters.

A farmer wuz driving his pickup through his hometown when he saw a particularly dirty and shabby-looking impoverished man who flagged his truck down and asked the farmer for a couple of dollars for a meal.

The farmer took $10 from his billfold and asked the guy, “If I give you this money, will you buy beer with it instead of food?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the farmer asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” the farmer asked.

“Are you nuts!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” the farmer said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? “

The farmer replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”

Enuf frivolity. I’ll end this column with these words of wisdom about poverty from none other than Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company. He said, “Capital punishment is as fundamentally wrong as a cure for crime as charity is wrong as a cure for poverty.”

Have a good ’un. ❖

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The Fence Post Updated Nov 15, 2013 10:11AM Published Dec 9, 2013 02:22PM Copyright 2013 The Fence Post. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.