Gwen Petersen
Big Timber, Mont.

Back to: Opinion
January 6, 2014
Follow Opinion

Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 1-6-14

For my New Year’s resolution, I’m undertaking a campaign to debunk the silliness that drips from the mouths of true believers. A believer always knows the truth — regardless of facts or reality.

Take bottled water for instance. If you believe the corporate hype, you’re convinced you’re better off buying drinking water because it’s “purer,” has fewer “chemicals” and tastes better than your basic tap water. WRONG! Tap water has to pass rigid standards. Not so bottled water.

Certain Celia

Certain Celia buys her water

— that is — the drinking kind —

From companies that specialize

In water finer than wine.

She knows she wants the very best

— clean and bacteria free —

She’s certain the tap water in her kitchen —

Contains all kinds of debris.

And nasty toxins and pollutants

And she is certain sure

Tap water’s nasty and cancer causing

While bottled water’s PURE!

She wants, she claims, to know her water

Is low in TDS

That means Total Dissolved Solids

(In case you haven’t guessed).

She wants a “low mineral content”

Cuz mineral gives her jitters

She’s certain sure that mineral water

Tastes metallic and bitter.

At a trendy restaurant

She orders gourmet water

Where a spiffy Water Steward

Presents a choice with hauteur.

He offers sparkling Niagara Falls

Wonderful with lamb

Or Alaskan Ice shipped in fresh

Goes ’specially well with ham.

Certain Celia tries them all

From Fuji in far off Japan

To Big Springs, Yellowstone and Glacier

Up in Montana Land.

The Water Steward then brings Celia

“Our finest water yet,

A product straight from France.

Called L’eau de Dubonnet.”

“It’s our most expensive water

Seven dollars a bottle,

I’m certain you will find you love it

More than any other!”

Certain Celia oohed and aahed

And sniffed and sipped and tasted

(Ambrosia to her discerning palate,

She praised and praised and praised it!)

The happy Water Steward bowed

And smiled and went out where

He stored his gourmet water choices

Upon a table there.

And picking up a garden hose

He filled the bottles named

Alaska, Fuji, Niagara Falls

And other brands of fame.

As well as L’eau de Dubonnet

He gave himself a pat

Cuz L’eau de Dubonnet is French

For WATER FROM A TAP!

I herby resolve and vow and pledge to laugh and dance and enjoy 2014 to the nth degree! HAPPY NEW YEAR! ❖


Explore Related Articles

The Fence Post Updated Jan 3, 2014 08:11AM Published Jan 20, 2014 11:01AM Copyright 2014 The Fence Post. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.