For my New Year’s resolution, I’m undertaking a campaign to debunk the silliness that drips from the mouths of true believers. A believer always knows the truth — regardless of facts or reality.
Take bottled water for instance. If you believe the corporate hype, you’re convinced you’re better off buying drinking water because it’s “purer,” has fewer “chemicals” and tastes better than your basic tap water. WRONG! Tap water has to pass rigid standards. Not so bottled water.
Certain Celia buys her water
— that is — the drinking kind —
From companies that specialize
In water finer than wine.
She knows she wants the very best
— clean and bacteria free —
She’s certain the tap water in her kitchen —
Contains all kinds of debris.
And nasty toxins and pollutants
And she is certain sure
Tap water’s nasty and cancer causing
While bottled water’s PURE!
She wants, she claims, to know her water
Is low in TDS
That means Total Dissolved Solids
(In case you haven’t guessed).
She wants a “low mineral content”
Cuz mineral gives her jitters
She’s certain sure that mineral water
Tastes metallic and bitter.
At a trendy restaurant
She orders gourmet water
Where a spiffy Water Steward
Presents a choice with hauteur.
He offers sparkling Niagara Falls
Wonderful with lamb
Or Alaskan Ice shipped in fresh
Goes ’specially well with ham.
Certain Celia tries them all
From Fuji in far off Japan
To Big Springs, Yellowstone and Glacier
Up in Montana Land.
The Water Steward then brings Celia
“Our finest water yet,
A product straight from France.
Called L’eau de Dubonnet.”
“It’s our most expensive water
Seven dollars a bottle,
I’m certain you will find you love it
More than any other!”
Certain Celia oohed and aahed
And sniffed and sipped and tasted
(Ambrosia to her discerning palate,
She praised and praised and praised it!)
The happy Water Steward bowed
And smiled and went out where
He stored his gourmet water choices
Upon a table there.
And picking up a garden hose
He filled the bottles named
Alaska, Fuji, Niagara Falls
And other brands of fame.
As well as L’eau de Dubonnet
He gave himself a pat
Cuz L’eau de Dubonnet is French
For WATER FROM A TAP!
I herby resolve and vow and pledge to laugh and dance and enjoy 2014 to the nth degree! HAPPY NEW YEAR! ❖