Heat, grasshoppers bring something to complain about | TheFencePost.com

Heat, grasshoppers bring something to complain about

Gwen Petersen
Big Timber, Mont.

Now that winter snow, ice, snowbound roads and furnaces going full blast to keep frostbite and hypothermia from setting in are over, it's time to complain of fires, drought, grasshoppers and summer heat.

How hot IS it?

It's so hot…

» hens are laying soft-boiled eggs.

“No matter what season it is, there’s always opportunities for grumbling, griping, grousing and bellyaching about the various, vainglorious, vile, villainous, vagaries and vicissitudes of life.”

» birds are carrying water bottles.

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» water from the garden sprinkler has parboiled the lettuce.

» the blacktop on the county road has turned into licorice soup.

» a pigeon tried to cool off in the horse tank and poached itself to death.

» corn kernels, still on the stalks in the field, started popping.

» contact lenses melted while still on eyeballs.

» newspaper ink turned into icky unreadable smudge.

» metal fence posts drooped into horseshoe shapes.

» nail polish won't harden.

» anglers catch pre-cooked fish.

» people shed clothing till they're dressed in nothing but their all-togethers.

» the dog is too hot to bother chasing anything.

» the cats, ditto.

Also, on the moan and groan summer complaint list are grasshoppers. Heat makes the insects too hot to hop so they're easy to capture without squashing. If you're into the fad of snacking on fried hoppers, gather up a sackful. Dredge hoppers in bread crumbs, sauté them in butter or oil, add salt and take them to the next potluck doin's. Claim they are gourmet hors d'oeurvres.

Other methods of reducing or controlling hopper populations:

» Acquire some live chickens and turn 'em loose. The hens will grow fat and the added benefit will be free hen fruit.

» Give a herd of small boys a fruit jar each and tell 'em they'll get a cookie for every container full of hoppers.

» Pressure cook, oven-bake or boil harvested hoppers, grind the crispy ones and mix with maple syrup to make a zippy protein pancake syrup.

» Chop fine and add to chocolate chip cookie dough.

» Blend with eggs and scramble for a hopper omelet.

» Dice and mix with granola to make vegetarian protein bars.

No matter what season it is, there's always opportunities for grumbling, griping, grousing and bellyaching about the various, vainglorious, vile, villainous, vagaries and vicissitudes of life.

Va-voom! ❖

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