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Petersen: Tiptoe through the cowpies

My neighbor ranchers, Agnes and Fred, have been enduring some mighty sloppy trips to the calving pasture. This has been a wet, rainy spring and the heifers have been birthing at a prodigious rate, usually at night, which means Fred and Agnes have been sleep deprived.

Usually, they take turns night-checking. But Fred, a schemer, sometimes cajoles Agnes to assist him even when it's not her turn. Agnes, generous of heart, usually complies without complaining. That is, until a recent incident which sorely damaged her dignity.

It seems Fred coaxed Agnes into visiting the heifer pasture with him during a downpour. In the soggy, boggy, cowpie-dotted earth, Agnes got a boot stuck in the muck. Attempting to pull free, she not only lost a boot, she lost her balance and, without any such intention, she ate part of what's been dropped on earth's surface — such as those brown-toned posies that one finds in a pasture full of bovines.

After the "incident," Fred, an amateur guitarist, wrote a song parody and beguiled Agnes by singing it to her while she dried out. Agnes was not amused, especially when Fred threatened to sing his ditty during a karaoke at the Old Boot Saloon. So far, Fred has not offered his talents at the karaoke, but he did pass along the lyrics to me. If you remember Tiny Tim and the tune, Tiptoe Through the Tulips, you may want to warble or hum along.

“Tiptoe through the cowpies to the pasture. That is where I’ll be, come tiptoe through the cowpies with me.”

Tiptoe Through the Cowpies

Verse…

Shades of night are creeping

Heifers all are sleeping

To my bed, I'm keeping

As I lie there dreaming

In my mind, I'm scheming

Scheming to get you to help me, dear, come

Tiptoe through the cowpies

To the pasture

That is where I'll be, come

Tiptoe through the cowpies with me

Tiptoe in your Carhartt

And your Mukluks,

And, bring a flashlight, and

Tiptoe through the cowpies with me

Knee deep in cowpies we'll stray

Flashlights will help light our way

Oh, do not slip, dear

In the cowpies in the moonlight

Stay on your feet, dear, come

Tiptoe through the cowpies with me.

Come on out and help me

Come light the way for me

To where the calving heifers be

While I check one or two

I'm depending on you

To help so I can see what to do, come

Tiptoe through the cowpies

To the pasture

That is where I'll be, come

Tiptoe through the cowpies with me

Tiptoe in your Carhartt

And your Mukluks,

And bring a flashlight, and

Tiptoe through the cowpies with me

Throughhhh … the cowpies …. with meeeeee!

As mentioned, Agnes is a good-hearted person but she's seriously cogitating making a chocolate cake containing a measure of nature's finest organic Earth ingredient in the frosting. She's willing to share the recipe with other ranch women.❖