Petersen: Where leggings roam | TheFencePost.com
Gwen Petersen
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Petersen: Where leggings roam

Cowgirls, Matty and Mildred, both in their "golden years" often saddle up their respective mares (also the equines' golden years). Horseback rides are M and M's way of "getting exercise" according to Mildred. Matty is in full agreement.

While on the trail, the girls fall into discussing everything under the sun. Yesterday's topic was current fashions, specifically a garment dubbed "leggings."

Mildred observed: "Matty, I always thought leggings meant those puttee things soldiers of the French Foreign Legion wear. Or leg warmers like I wear under my jeans in winter. Or maybe those compression stockings if your ankles swell or …"

Matty interrupted: "Just shows you're old-fashioned. Nowadays, gals wear underwear as outerwear."

Mildred: "I've noticed. And they flaunt 'em everywhere, even to church, weddings 'n funerals."

Matty: "Yep, and leggings come in a rainbow of colors and designs. Have you noticed?"

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Mildred: "I've noticed. Saw a pair on a girl just the other day. Had a design looked like she'd developed mange."

Matty: "Well there's some pretty ones, too."

Mildred: "I've noticed. Saw a gal wearing a black and white paisley pattern. When she walked, her legs twinkled."

Matty: "On a girl with good legs, they're not too bad. But you gotta be young."

Mildred: "I've noticed. Saw a large woman of indeterminate age last week. She wore a bright red pair but she sure hadn't oughta."

Matty: "Uh-huh, and how about those flesh-colored ones? Makes a gal look plumb stark nekkid."

Mildred: "I've noticed. Saw a guy purt-near ram his pickup into a wall cuz he got kinda paralyzed watching some young chick in flesh-colored leggin's sashayin along the sidewalk."

M & M began giggling. And commenced making up rhymes. Then they put the verses to the tune of Home on the Range and warbled all the way home:

Where Leggings Roam

Oh, give me a pair of cling-ee underwear

And that cover from waist down to toe

Where seldom they flatter but that don't matter

It's the fashion for those in the know

Chorus …

Old, old, older than dirt

Oh, leggin's are now all the rage

But I will not appear, not no time, my dear

In a pair of leggin's at my age!

Oh, how often I'd see folks looking at me

Should I show up in leggin's real bright

They'd stand there amazed and ask as they gazed

If my head had been put on just right

Chorus …

Old, old, older than dirt

Oh, leggin's are now all the rage

But I will not appear, not no time, my dear

In a pair of leggin's at my age!

Where others are chic and wear clothing real sleek

I'm hopelessly unfashion-a-ble

I wear faded old jeans; I know what that means

And the people all say I am dull

Chorus …

Old, old, older than dirt

Oh, leggin's are now all the rage

But I will not appear, not no time, my dear

In a pair of leggin's at my age!

How I do ponder when I perceive yonder

Bright leggings on a cute skinny lass

It's a sight to behold but now that I'm old

On tight leggin's, I think I will pass

Chorus …

Old, old, older than dirt

Oh, leggin's are now all the rage

But I will not appear, not no time, my dear

In a pair of leggin's at my age!

Matty and Mildred paused in their enthusiastic warbling.

Said Matty thoughtfully: "Mildred, do ya think we're just old biddies who have no tolerance for differences?"

Mildred: "Naaa, I got a pair of leggin's myself."

Matty: "You what? You gotta be kiddin'! Whatever for?"

Mildred: "Well, they're soft and stretchy and clingy, so I used 'em to wrap my mare's sore ankle. Worked real well. She ain't limpin. Did ya notice?" ❖