Yield: A Californian walks into a bar in Kansas | TheFencePost.com
Milo Yield

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Yield: A Californian walks into a bar in Kansas

Gosh, we had two days in a row this week with the temperatures soaring into the 70s. I wanted to go fishing, but did the responsible thing instead and tilled my food plots, turned my compost pile with the tractor and front-end loader and grabbed the mini-chainsaw and Nevah and I trimmed all the lower tree limbs from the trees in the yard and hauled them to the burn pile.

I still bet the crappie would have been biting.

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I'm writing this column on Valentine's Day, so I looked on the internet for something interesting and romantic to pass along to you readers. Well, I found a piece that shows the times they are a'changing. Here's an excerpt from the article. You'll have to decide for yourself if its interesting, or romantic.

"More than 40 million Americans are looking for love online. They're swiping left and right on dating apps and filling out increasingly detailed profiles on websites and using their phone's GPS to tell them who at the gym or the bar or their favorite lunch spot is looking for someone, too."

From the money the website "farmersonly.com" is spending on television advertising, I'd say that cyber-love is alive and well in rural America, too.

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Another Valentine's Day news item that might be important to pork producers:

A Chicago restaurant is gaining attention for offering a tasty alternative to traditional Valentine's Day flowers — a bacon bouquet.

The barbecue eatery, Porkchop, said the bouquets are made by rolling the strips of bacon into rosettes, deep frying them and putting them on plastic stems. Bouquets of a dozen are being offered for $40, or $20 for six. The eatery said orders have been pouring in from amorous fans of fried meat."

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And here's one for you goat enthusiasts: A Walliser black-necked goat in Austria has the world's largest horn spread, measuring nearly 4 feet wide. The 8-year-old goat named Rasputin claimed the Guinness World Record for "Largest horn spread — goat (living)" with a span of 53.23 inches. He managed to edge out the previous record holder, Uncle Sam, from the U.S., whose horn spread measured 52 inches.

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Okay, enough of the news from the weird. How about a story:

An old, tattooed, stringy-haired California hippie motorcyclist is taking a one-man vacation across the Fly-Over Nation when he walks into a bar in a little two-horse rural town in Kansas. He is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy alone at a table wearing overalls and a TRUMP ball cap.

The motorcyclist does not have to be Einstein to know that this guy, from Kansas, is a Republican.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for the Republican sitting at the table."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the old hippie. So, he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Really steaming under the collar now, once again the old hippie loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.

As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Now puzzled, the motorcyclist asks the bartender, "What's the story on that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, but him, and all the silly Trumper does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?'

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns this place."

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A Sunday school teacher at a neat and trim rural church decided one Sunday to test the children to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

First question: "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

Much to her satisfaction, all the children answered "no" in unison.

Second question: "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was a unanimous "no."

Third question: "If I gave sweets to all the children, loved my husband and was kind to my neighbors would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "no."

The teacher, bursting with religious pride," continued with the third question: "What must I do to get into heaven?

"Freckled-faced little Johnny in the front row shouted out: "Ya' gotta' die first!"

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English is a weird language to learn. But, it can be understood through tough, thorough thought though.

Enuf wisdom for this week. Have a good 'un.❖