Yield: Jerry Zingers | TheFencePost.com

Yield: Jerry Zingers

I've finally got my gardens in pretty decent shape, but at a cost. I've worked so hard in them that I think I'm achy all over, but I won't know until tomorrow for sure.

***

One of the regulars at our Old Boars' Breakfast club, ol' A. Payne Daily, brought a sheet of paper to show us why we have so much to complain about in 2017. The paper reminded us that our phones are wireless, our cooking fireless, our cars keyless, our food fatless, our tires tubeless, our shirts and blouses sleeveless, our youth jobless, our leaders shameless, our relationships meaningless, our attitudes careless, our babies fatherless, too many folks shiftless, our feelings heartless, our education valueless, our children mannerless, terrorists ruthless and our country godless. Which leaves our clueless government fathomless and all us citizens speechless.

Then Payne said all the above scares him — a lot!

I'd add that our breakfasts at the Old Boars' Breakfast Club are anything but fatless.

***

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The 80th Flint Hills Rodeo wuz held last week and, true to form, my Colorado buddy, ol' Tex Junkman, stopped by for a nice visit. It wuz good to see Tex and his wife. He's healed up pretty well from the accidents with his horses.

The rodeo wuz a big success becuz of the more than 300 contestants, the great weather and all the folks in Chase County who volunteer their time helping with the rodeo.

***

Tex's neighbor from Lakewood, Colo., Jerry Esse, sends me "stuff" pretty regularly. It's been building up … so the rest of this column are "Jerry Zingers" that will diminish my stockpile a bit.

Jerry sez when it comes to running for exercise, he'd consider it if he ever saw a runner who wuz smiling. But, then he had second thoughts and decided to commence a strict running regime yesterday. So far, he's missed only one day.

He sez when he wuz a kid he had a pet frog, but it croaked.

He sez he sings like a jailbird — always behind a few bars and always trying to find the right key.

***

At a rural high school reunion everyone wuz shocked to see Zeke drive up in a chauffeured $80,000 tricked-out pickup, escorted by two gorgeous movie starlets. Everyone recalled how Zeke had struggled just to graduate and in the class yearbook he wuz mentioned as least likely to succeed.

As Zeke walked around shaking hands and passing out bottles of free liquid refreshments, one stunned classmate asked Zeke how he managed to amass such wealth.

"Well," Zeke replied. "I found a product to promote livestock growth that I could make for $10 dollars and sell for $40 … and I sold millions of packages of the stuff worldwide. What amazes me still is how fast that 3 percent adds up."

***

An old farmer had listened to his John Deere popping loudly away in his ears for five decades, but, in retirement, he thought he noticed that his wife wuz getting hard of hearing. So, he decided to test her hearing.

First, he sneaked up to within 30 feet of her and said, "Dear, can you hear me?" There wuz no response, so he moved to within 20 feet and said, "Dear, can you hear me?" His wife remained silent so he crept up to within 10 feet of her and said, "Dear, can you hear me?"

"Yes, dear," she replied. "For the third time, yes, I hear you!"

***

A young cowboy wuz shopping for a new pair of boots in a western clothing store when he spied an attractive young cowgirl in another part of the store who wuz looking down at what wuz obviously her shopping list.

The cowboy got an idea and sidled over to where the cowgirl wuz standing and looked over her shoulder at her shopping list. When the young lady looked startled at his forwardness, he quickly quipped, "Sorry. I was just checking to see if I am on your list of things to pick up."

His ploy didn't work, but you've got to give him points for originality.

***

I really enjoyed this story from Jerry.

Swen and Ole were talking about the "olden times" when their parents were young. Swen says, "I wonder what our parents did for entertainment back in them there old days? They didn't have TV, the internet or PlayStation."

Ole replies, "I've often thought about the same thing, so I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either."

***

In conclusion, Jerry sez he don't need a "Fitzbit" to tell him how many steps he's taken in a day. His knees tell him how far he's walked.

He sez a good thing about getting to his age is that he's too old to die young.

Jerry wonders if everyone in the U.S. drove a pink automobile, would that make us a Pink CarNation? And finally, he wonders when he'll be old enuf to know better. I hope his answer is "never." Now, have a good 'un.❖

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