Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Back to: Opinion
April 22, 2014
Follow Opinion

Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 4-21-14

Alas, the best laid plans of mice and men often go a’stray. And, I had an incident last week that proves this old adage.

I’d delayed burning most of the dry grass from Damphewmore Acres so I could coordinate my burning with all the rest of the adjoining property owners. A controlled burn is a lot easier to control that way.

So, on the day everyone decided to burn, I thought “this is going to be easy. Just throw a match in and watch it safely burn.” That’s what I did, and for the most part, I wuz right. Except for that one little oversight.

I wanted to burn my pond dam this year, so I set it afire. The blaze wuz slowly moving into the wind and everything wuz under control — or so I thought.

My pond has two 24-inch diameter plastic overflow tubes running through it. The tubes stick out a couple feet into thin air on the bottom side so the runoff water will squirt out and not cause undue erosion.

Well, since I’d burned the downside of the dam several times before with no problem, I paid little attention to the advancing fire. But a few minutes after the fire burned beyond the overflow tubes, my heart leaped when I saw the upside of the west tube billowing acrid black smoke like a horizontal chimney.

I knew instantly what had happened. The slow moving fire had somehow caught the plastic tube on fire and when it melted through, it created a perfect underground chimney.

I hurried to the garage and got a sheet of plastic and secured it on the “up” side the tube to stop the “chimney” from drafting. That slowed the fire down a lot.

Then I started spraying water from my UTV tanks into the burning end of the tube.

With help from my neighbor, ol’ Harley Ryder, we got the fire put out, but not before it melted 8- to 10-feet of the overflow tube.

So, now I get to find someone to fix the mess my negligence created. As it turned out, my “controlled” burn wuz very much not under control — and will probably turn out to be expensive.

A young farmer wuz in town picking up parts when he got a cell phone call from his wife asking him to stop at the supermarket and pick up a few items for them. He agreed and while in the supermarket he noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

The young farmer answered, “That’s OK.”

“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mom’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy,” she suggested.

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the young farmer rather sheepishly called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”

The little old lady waved and smiled sweetly back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.

“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.

“How come so much? I only bought five items,” he questioned.

The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”

Moral to the story: Better be careful trusting cash-strapped seniors.

An extension service horticulturist found himself sitting at a banquet table with a prominent local lawyer. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people asking the horticulturist for advice on planting ornamentals, caring for lawns, etc.

After an hour of this, the exasperated horticulturist asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

When the horticulturist went to his mailbox a few days later, he found a bill for $30 from the lawyer.

Farm safety is a serious issue and farm accidents are even more serious, but I just can’t resist passing along this story about farm safety gone awry.

An inattentive farmer pulled with both hands on a “stuck” combine pulley to help free it up. When his efforts succeeded, the engine whirled the pulley and instantaneously jerked the farmer’s hands around the pulley, and unfortunately severed all 10 of his fingers.

Wrapping his bleeding hands in his shirt, the farmer managed to make his way to the closest emergency room. The attending doctor assessed the situation and said to the agonizing patient, “I hope you iced down your severed fingers and brought them with you because modern medicine can reattach them and you’ll be as good as new.”

The patient looked at the doctor and replied, “I didn’t bring my fingers. I couldn’t pick them up!”

I’ll close with this anonymous quote:

“You’d be wise to not ignore the political process because, rest assured, it is not ignoring you.” Enuf said.

Have a good ’un. ❖

Stories you may be interested in

The Fence Post Updated Apr 18, 2014 11:55AM Published Apr 28, 2014 02:43PM Copyright 2014 The Fence Post. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.