I get a lot of horse sale catalogs and to hear them tell it, none of the horses ever took a wrong step. Just once I’d like to read something like this:
Lot #1- Frisbee, a buckskin consigned by Trader Joe. So named because he’s hard to catch. Sired by Ivan the Terrible and out of Eulogy, a mare who pulled a plow all her life. A little humpy in the morning and truly does not like anything on his back. Buy this horse and you’ll soon be doing equestrian feats you never thought possible.
Lot #2- Root Canal, the property of Coyote Charley. Bay mare sired by the great Horse Face and out of the mare, Boneyard. Root Canal is unregistered, untrained and unwanted, at least around this outfit. Her mother is a full sister to a PRCA horse; that’s right, a PRCA bareback bronc in Cotton Rosser’s Flying U Rodeo, to be exact. Feel free to put your kid up on her, if your kid can ride like Casey Tibbs.
Lot #3- Orwell, consigned by Kettle Belly Bill, this flea bag pinto gelding was born in 1984. Hence, the name. Orwell has many features that aren’t hard to miss including an overshot jaw, fistulated withers and lots of color. Yes, lots of chrome but not much under the hood on this one. Used in a salesyard for years (pulling the feed wagon.)
Lot #4- Buzzard Bait, a sorrel consigned by Lard Bottom Bob and Single Cinch Sally out of Sunfisher and sired by a real famous horse you’ve never heard of. His father had lifetime career earnings of $12.50. Can’t catch, can’t shoe and can’t load but we have shot off him... once. Seems to show a passing interest in cattle.
Lot #5- Old Leather Lip, a roan knothead consigned by Alibi Abe. Sired by Write Off and out of a plug named Dishwater. A true kid’s horse, yes, my kid is selling him because she needs money for college. She never could ride him but your kid might. Would make a good barrel horse, hauling barrels, that is. Full disclosure: don’t tie this horse up unless you want a shorter set of reins or your tack room pulled off its foundation.
Lot #6- Picasso, A real good looking horse if you are blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other. Consigned by Lying Lucy, this white mare will attract lightning like a magnet. Her dam, Jet Lag, was a real good sleeper and her sire was called Eleven And A Half because when you were riding him you were darn near afoot. This mare never makes any sudden moves and is real easy to catch. She was once clocked at 30 miles per hour, until they unloaded her. Can’t run but she walks real nice.
Lot #7- Imelda, so named because she always needs new shoes. This chestnut was consigned by Not Much Land and Livestock who are only her 15th owner. This barren mare eats real good and has lots of experience. You will too when you get her age. She’s a distant cousin to a horse Trevor Brazille once looked at.
Lot #8- Retread, consigned by the bank for the joint account of Rum Dum Johnson and Tom the Trader. This palomino is out of Oklahoma by Midnight. Ridden 30 days. Well, not exactly ridden but has been tied up for that long. Without a doubt, the poorest example of horseflesh in this catalog.
Lot #9- EGAD! This all-around knuckle-head is consigned by the Wild Horse Ranch. He’s already put two people in the hospital and drove one man to drink and is still a young horse. Lots of potential here! Sired by Hammerhead and out of Miss Understanding. I have drug calves to the fire. Not on this horse, but I have done it. You can go many directions with this horse, mostly up, down and off.
Lot # 10- Mankiller, from Blowhard Bill’s Quarter Horses who acquired this horse at a BLM adoption. You can do it all on him: jump fences, fly off cliffs, and buck so high you’ll see the rings of Saturn. You name it, he’s done it. He’s listed last in the catalog because he’s a home-loving little devil and we have never loaded him up, so we may need a little extra time to get him to the auction come sale day. Don’t miss this one. ❖