A Cleansing

Gwen Petersen
Big Timber, Mont.

A pamphlet was handed to me titled:  Body, Mind and Spirit Cleanse. I perused the leaflet.  It asked the question: Have you been cleansed? Which made me wonder if I had a smudge on my face or something stuck to my boots. As a dyed-in-the-wool skeptic, I feel obliged to share what I learned with y’all. Quotes from the leaflet are in Text ColorSwatch/NoneStrokeStyle/$ID/SolidText ColorSwatch/NoneStrokeStyle/$ID/SolidText ColorText ColorText ColorText Coloritalics. (MY ER…CAUSTIC REMARKS ARE CAPITALIZED BETWEEN PARENTHESES).

I learned that a “Cleanse” is a safe and effective way to eliminate accumulated waste. (FOR A MOMENT THERE I THOUGHT SOMEBODY HAD SEEN THE PILES OF HORSE APPLES IN MY CORRALS). 

Come this fall, according to what I read, I am invited to sign on for seven days of purification (I DUNNO, I’VE BEEN IMPURE FOR A LOT OF YEARS. MIGHT TAKE LONGER THAN SEVEN DAYS). I would get “detoxed” in order for your body to discharge stored waste. (SOUNDS VAGUELY SMUTTY, DON’T IT). For the duration, I would avoid fats, sugar, flour products, caffeine, alcohol and animal protein. (MAYBE I’D BE TURNED OUT TO GRAZE?)

I learned I’d be privileged to ingest juices, broths, plain grains, and plain vegetables. (WONDER IF I COULD SNEAK IN A SALT SHAKER OR WOULD THE ORGANIZERS DO A PAT DOWN?) The flyer informed me that for the first few days I might experience the effects of metabolic waste being detoxed  and therefore, I might have headache, bad breath, achiness, intense dreams, and emotional release. (SOUNDS LIKE MORE SMUT, DON’T IT).

To reassure me, the pamphlet hastened to say that the benefits of all this detoxing would be: Greater vitality, clarity, health and well-being. (PROVIDED I HAVEN’T CROAKED AND GONE BLIND FROM STARVATION). Increased flexibility, energy, heightened sense of smell, sight, touch, sound and taste. Jump-start weight loss by cleansing the liver and eliminating addiction to sugar, caffeine, fats, etc. (GEEZ! S’NUFF TO DRIVE A PERSON TO AN ADULT BEVERAGE!)

And furthermore, the paper continued, I’d know I was “toxic” because I’d have the following  “symptoms.” Constipation, allergies, acne, arthritis, depression, fatigue, eczema, headaches, insomnia, muscle aches and pains. (WHEW! SOUNDS AS IF THE WRITER HAS EVESDROPPED ON CONVERSATIONS IN THE SENIOR CENTER). 

If you’ve read this far, I’d wager you’re breathlessly wondering what the daily ingestion of sustenance might be… if any. Straight from the pamphlet’s mouth to your ear: You will have four raw juices every day: 9 a.m., 11 a.m., 1 p.m. and 3 p.m. (WAIT…THERE’S MORE!) At 7 a.m. and 5 p.m., you will be served potassium broth and brown rice! (WELL, ISN’T THAT SPECIAL. YUM). Workshops would educate you in: Nutrition, cause of eating (STARVATION MIGHT BE A CLUE), learning to eat healthier, and looking at triggers (SMITH & WESSON PERHAPS?) and core beliefs. (WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE A “CORE BELIEF” MIGHT BE?)  

When not engaged in not eating, one could indulge in activities: Yoga classes, craft projects, massages, hiking, reading, sitting on a rock in the river. (HONEST, I’M NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP!)

So, should you wanna get cleansed, what would it cost? Open your wallet and break out a thousand dollar bill.  Pass it from your hand to the Body, Mind and Spirit Cleanse leader —BMSC. (ACRONYM: BULLROAR AND MORE OF THE SAME CRAPPOLA).

As for me, I’m hiring a hand to cleanse my corral of toxic buildup and accumulated waste while I sit on the fence rail and watch. ❖