‘Everythin I Know I Learnt in Collage’ | TheFencePost.com

‘Everythin I Know I Learnt in Collage’

It’s the Pitts
Lee Pitts
Los Osos, Calif.

Over 30 years ago Robert Fulghum wrote a short essay that overnight made him one of the most beloved writers in America. The essay was called “All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” It contained sage advice such as, “Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit. Flush. Take a nap every afternoon. Be aware of wonder.” The essay was read into the Congressional Record, recited by Paul Harvey and quoted by Dear Abby and led to a multi-book deal for Fulghum who, by the way, had once been a working cowboy, among other jobs.

I’m afraid if Fulghum’s essay was written today to reflect current attitudes it would be called “Everythin I Know I Learnt In Collage” and would contain modern day wisdom such as…

• Go in debt $200,000 to get a BA degree in blog writing and then go back home and live with your parents until you’re 35 and try to land a job waiting tables.

• Climate change is real and the earth will self destruct in 20 years if we don’t stop cows from farting.

“Eating too much Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream won’t make you fat because its founders were greenies.”

• America is a rotten place and our founding fathers were a bunch of creeps and jerks.

• Success in life is best measured by the number of your Facebook friends and YouTube subscribers.

• Anyone who makes over $100,000 a year should have to pay 90 percent of it in income tax.

• The energy that powers electric bikes and electric cars is all produced by windmills and solar panels. All coal plants should be shut down and while we’re at it, we should tear down all dams.

• The stock market is evil.

• It’s a waste of time to learn to spell or write because a computer will do that for you.

• It’s not impolite to put your phone on speaker and talk loudly in a crowded restaurant so everyone can hear both sides of your idiotic conversation, nor is it impolite to roll down your windows and turn your car radio up so high the bass notes register on the Richter scale.

• Joining the Army, Navy or Marines is for suckers.

• Eating too much Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream won’t make you fat because its founders were greenies.

• Species didn’t start becoming endangered until loggers, ranchers and miners stated wiping them out.

• The only way to get rich in America these days is to buy a winning lottery ticket.

• You should put more thought into the design of your tattoos, your computer passwords and what emojis you use than you do in selecting a “partner.” (Notice I did not say spouse.)

• All Americans should be ashamed of themselves for all the evil things our country has done.

• Everyone should be entitled to a free college education, free medical care, a good job and paid maternity leave for both the sperm and egg donors.

• All cops are evil and kneeling during the National Anthem will stop them from killing black people.

• Books are dead, rap is forever, skateboards and social media are the future.

• Humans were never meant to eat meat or wheat, or drink milk. Vegans rule!

• Socialism is much better than capitalism and the best examples of the utopia-like conditions possible under socialism are the havens of Cuba, Venezuela and the former USSR.

• All men are jerks.

• If a person finds himself or herself deeply in debt for school loans, is presently living out of their van with no job prospects, one can always go back to college for further education and a PhD and then become a highly paid college professor who knows everything. ❖



Lee Pitts