Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 1-10-11

The phone rang. It was Beatrice Bombastic, ace reporter for the Galloping Gazette Weekly.

Beatrice: My supervisor told me to do a question and answer interview with you. I have made a list of questions. If that’s not enough to make this column interesting, would you mind adding your famous recipe for deer-meat fudge?

Q: So, Ms. Petersen … Why do you live out of town all alone where the wind blows 4-foot drifts of snow into your carport and onto your back porch and freezes the back door tight and you have to chip away snow and ice with a teaspoon to get outside?

A: Just lucky, I guess.

Q: Why do you claim a dog named Bailout that lives with your wealthy neighbors?

A: Well, I didn’t want to name the dog, Stimulus.

Q: Why do you feel compelled to write?

A: Because I’m scared to skydive.

Q: Why do you love to edit and teach and help for no pay?

A: Doesn’t everybody?

Q: Why do you produce the Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot show?

A: Once I played Cheetah, Tarzan’s little monkey friend, and I never got over the thrill.

Q: Why did you buy a red motorcycle with sidecar this year?

A: So I can take a road trip before I croak. And I couldn’t afford a Hummer.

Q: Why do you fill your house with musical instruments? 

A: I used to collect pancakes.

Q: Why are you learning to play them?

A: It’s better than playing with fire.

Q: What is your favorite book and why?

A: The dictionary. Because no Book Club ever selects it as that month’s reading choice.

Q: What is your favorite movie? Play? Poem? Song?

A: That would be “Over the Rainbow” because I wish I’d written the story, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum” because I wish I’d written the musical play, “Gunga Din” and anything by Dorothy Parker. Favorite songs: “The Worms Crawl In,” “The French National Anthem,” “The Hawaiian War Chant,” “The Road to Mandelay,” “Coming In On A Wing and a Prayer,” “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends” and all the old cowboy songs.

Q: How has your life changed since you won the Bullpatty Surprise for the 2010 Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot show? Did you gain fame, money and a host of handsome hunks who follow you around hanging on every word?

A: Oh, yeah … words cannot express …

Q: Is the title Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot representative of some deep philosophy developed over the years?

A: Yes. It comes from my inner psyche. But I’m taking medication for it.

Q: This is the 11th year of the show. It’s also the year 2011. Does the number, 11, have significance?

A: If you can have 11 Lords a-leaping out of a Pear Tree, I can have 11 Toots a-tooting.

Q: Regarding the name Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot, is there some meaning to that word choice?

A: Chili tasting: Toot. Beer beverage: Snoot. Comedy show: Hoot.

Q: Were you inebriated when you thought that up?

A: Should I have been?

Q: What are your plans for Toot productions in future years?

A: If the creek don’t rise and I don’t croak, you can look forward to The Fogie Follies, The Stimulus Revue, and Bailout, the Musical.

Q: Do you really have a recipe for Deer Meat Fudge and if so, would you care to share it with our readers?

A: Certainly.

The phone rang. It was Beatrice Bombastic, ace reporter for the Galloping Gazette Weekly.

Beatrice: My supervisor told me to do a question and answer interview with you. I have made a list of questions. If that’s not enough to make this column interesting, would you mind adding your famous recipe for deer-meat fudge?

Q: So, Ms. Petersen … Why do you live out of town all alone where the wind blows 4-foot drifts of snow into your carport and onto your back porch and freezes the back door tight and you have to chip away snow and ice with a teaspoon to get outside?

A: Just lucky, I guess.

Q: Why do you claim a dog named Bailout that lives with your wealthy neighbors?

A: Well, I didn’t want to name the dog, Stimulus.

Q: Why do you feel compelled to write?

A: Because I’m scared to skydive.

Q: Why do you love to edit and teach and help for no pay?

A: Doesn’t everybody?

Q: Why do you produce the Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot show?

A: Once I played Cheetah, Tarzan’s little monkey friend, and I never got over the thrill.

Q: Why did you buy a red motorcycle with sidecar this year?

A: So I can take a road trip before I croak. And I couldn’t afford a Hummer.

Q: Why do you fill your house with musical instruments? 

A: I used to collect pancakes.

Q: Why are you learning to play them?

A: It’s better than playing with fire.

Q: What is your favorite book and why?

A: The dictionary. Because no Book Club ever selects it as that month’s reading choice.

Q: What is your favorite movie? Play? Poem? Song?

A: That would be “Over the Rainbow” because I wish I’d written the story, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum” because I wish I’d written the musical play, “Gunga Din” and anything by Dorothy Parker. Favorite songs: “The Worms Crawl In,” “The French National Anthem,” “The Hawaiian War Chant,” “The Road to Mandelay,” “Coming In On A Wing and a Prayer,” “Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends” and all the old cowboy songs.

Q: How has your life changed since you won the Bullpatty Surprise for the 2010 Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot show? Did you gain fame, money and a host of handsome hunks who follow you around hanging on every word?

A: Oh, yeah … words cannot express …

Q: Is the title Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot representative of some deep philosophy developed over the years?

A: Yes. It comes from my inner psyche. But I’m taking medication for it.

Q: This is the 11th year of the show. It’s also the year 2011. Does the number, 11, have significance?

A: If you can have 11 Lords a-leaping out of a Pear Tree, I can have 11 Toots a-tooting.

Q: Regarding the name Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot, is there some meaning to that word choice?

A: Chili tasting: Toot. Beer beverage: Snoot. Comedy show: Hoot.

Q: Were you inebriated when you thought that up?

A: Should I have been?

Q: What are your plans for Toot productions in future years?

A: If the creek don’t rise and I don’t croak, you can look forward to The Fogie Follies, The Stimulus Revue, and Bailout, the Musical.

Q: Do you really have a recipe for Deer Meat Fudge and if so, would you care to share it with our readers?

A: Certainly.