Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 10-7-13

Gwen Petersen
Big Timber, Mont.

Hunting season is upon us which calls for a hunting story. Someone sent me a yarn over the Internet, supposedly by a Kansas guy who roped a steer. The tale reminds me of the Charlie Russell painting of a cowboy roping a bear … so naturally, a poem is born.

The Good Idea

Jake had an idea —

he’d rope a steer and put it in a stall

Feed it on corn for a couple of weeks —

tasty meat this fall!

Now deer had a habit of congregating

at Jake’s cattle feeder

One big buck was downright bold,

he seemed to be the leader!

Jake figured he could drop a loop on one,

then toss a bag on its head

Then he’d hogtie the critter and transport

it home where it could be corn-fed!

Jake filled the feeder, then hid at the end

clutching his trusty rope

When three hungry deer drifted up close,

his heart swelled with hope!

He picked a likely looking doe,

stepped out and his lasso sailed

He anchored the rope around his waist;

he had the critter nailed!

The deer just stood there staring at Jake

but seemed only mildly afraid

When Jake took a step toward the beast,

the doe took a step away!

Jake put some tension on his twine;

and that mild-mannered deer exploded!

It ran and bucked and twisted and pulled,

no way could Jake control it!

It jerked poor Jake right off his feet and

drug him around and around

It finally got tired enough to pause and

Jake staggered up from the ground!

He was mostly blinded by the flow of

blood gushing from his noggin

And he’d lost his taste for corn fed venison,

in fact he was nearly sobbin’!

He passionately wanted to get that

creature off the end of his rope.

The deer backed up between pickup and

feed trough — trapped was Jake’s hope!

When he reached to retrieve his rope,

Jake learned that deer can bite

That angry doe grabbed Jake’s wrist and

bit harder than a squeezing vise.

It hung on tighter than an angry pit bull,

Lordy! how it hurt!

Jake tried to make the deer let go

by screaming and kicking the dirt!

That method proved ineffective

leaving Jake in a heckuva fix!

With his free left hand, Jake stretched up

and pulled the rope off — quick!

That doggone deer then reared up and

struck out with both front feet!

Razor-sharp hooves lacerated Jake,

even socked him in the teeth!

Then Jake devised another plan and

turned himself around

That doe smacked Jake in the back of the

head and knocked him to the ground!

The creature pawed and jumped a jig

up and down Jake’s spine

He lay there taking the awful whacking

(along with a sob and a whine)!

He finally managed to drag himself

under his pickup truck

Thank goodness the deer went dashing away,

Jake was face down in muck!

His scalp was split open; his skull goose egged,

and blood flowed from his wrist,

And his nose and the cuts on his back —

not much of Jake that deer had missed!

Jake’s cuts and abrasions all have healed,

but now he hates to hear

Folks whispering: There goes the idiot

who tried to rope a deer! ❖