Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 10-7-13
Big Timber, Mont.
Hunting season is upon us which calls for a hunting story. Someone sent me a yarn over the Internet, supposedly by a Kansas guy who roped a steer. The tale reminds me of the Charlie Russell painting of a cowboy roping a bear … so naturally, a poem is born.
The Good Idea
Jake had an idea —
he’d rope a steer and put it in a stall
Feed it on corn for a couple of weeks —
tasty meat this fall!
Now deer had a habit of congregating
at Jake’s cattle feeder
One big buck was downright bold,
he seemed to be the leader!
Jake figured he could drop a loop on one,
then toss a bag on its head
Then he’d hogtie the critter and transport
it home where it could be corn-fed!
Jake filled the feeder, then hid at the end
clutching his trusty rope
When three hungry deer drifted up close,
his heart swelled with hope!
He picked a likely looking doe,
stepped out and his lasso sailed
He anchored the rope around his waist;
he had the critter nailed!
The deer just stood there staring at Jake
but seemed only mildly afraid
When Jake took a step toward the beast,
the doe took a step away!
Jake put some tension on his twine;
and that mild-mannered deer exploded!
It ran and bucked and twisted and pulled,
no way could Jake control it!
It jerked poor Jake right off his feet and
drug him around and around
It finally got tired enough to pause and
Jake staggered up from the ground!
He was mostly blinded by the flow of
blood gushing from his noggin
And he’d lost his taste for corn fed venison,
in fact he was nearly sobbin’!
He passionately wanted to get that
creature off the end of his rope.
The deer backed up between pickup and
feed trough — trapped was Jake’s hope!
When he reached to retrieve his rope,
Jake learned that deer can bite
That angry doe grabbed Jake’s wrist and
bit harder than a squeezing vise.
It hung on tighter than an angry pit bull,
Lordy! how it hurt!
Jake tried to make the deer let go
by screaming and kicking the dirt!
That method proved ineffective
leaving Jake in a heckuva fix!
With his free left hand, Jake stretched up
and pulled the rope off — quick!
That doggone deer then reared up and
struck out with both front feet!
Razor-sharp hooves lacerated Jake,
even socked him in the teeth!
Then Jake devised another plan and
turned himself around
That doe smacked Jake in the back of the
head and knocked him to the ground!
The creature pawed and jumped a jig
up and down Jake’s spine
He lay there taking the awful whacking
(along with a sob and a whine)!
He finally managed to drag himself
under his pickup truck
Thank goodness the deer went dashing away,
Jake was face down in muck!
His scalp was split open; his skull goose egged,
and blood flowed from his wrist,
And his nose and the cuts on his back —
not much of Jake that deer had missed!
Jake’s cuts and abrasions all have healed,
but now he hates to hear
Folks whispering: There goes the idiot
who tried to rope a deer! ❖