Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 11-14-11
Questionnaires, polls, quizzes – everywhere you turn, somebody is asking for your opinion, your preferences and possibly your virtue. Recently I received an email inquiry from a gal who resides in New Jersy.
She wanted to know the best method of attracting a cowboy. In the spirit of that request, here’s a question/answer list of tested approaches.
Q: What is the best method for catching a cowboy?
A: There is no “best” method. But pie is a good opening ploy.
Q: Should I dress in a western costume?
A: No, leave that to the cowboy.
Q: Do I have to know how to ride a horse?
A: Not if you can make good pies.
Q: If I bring my own horse, should I ride a western or an English saddle?
A: Definitely a western. A flat saddle is called a “postage stamp.” Stamps go on envelopes.
Q: When is the best time to meet a cowboy?
Q: Where should I go to meet a cowboy?
A: Ranch ropings, rodeos, calving time, branding time and meal time, especially if there’s pie.
Q: What do cowboys like to read?
A: The weather report, livestock sale catalogs and the Fence Post.
Q: Are there different styles of cowboy?
A: Yes. Some are short, some tall, some chunky, some skinny, some mustached, some with plenty of top hair, some bald, some bearded, some blue-eyed, some brown, hazel, green or gray eyed.
Q: What do cowboys have anything in common with one another?
Q: If I do meet a cowboy, how will I know that he likes me?
A: He’ll let you ride his horse. Once.
Q: Do cowboys really say yep and nope?
Q: What should I wear on a first date with a cowboy?
Q: What kind of tattoo does a cowboy go for?
A: The kind that go on cow ears.
Q: What would a cowboy think if I have a tattoo?
A: That you’ve been in prison.
Q: What kind of girl does a cowboy like?
A: Tall, short, thin, chunky, blonde, brunette, redhead, especially if she can bake pie.
Q: What do cowboys do when they go on vacation?
A: What’s a vacation?
Q: What skills would a cowboy like in a girl friend.
A: Cooking, fencing and doing laundry.
Q: What’s a cowboy’s favorite activity?
A: Don’t ask. Bring pie.