Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 11-7-11

The Australians have a pull-your-leg sense of humor that can have you rolling in the aisles. If you haven’t read the responses to Australian tourism inquiries, google it online. I did, and thus inspired, came up with a list of foolish questions put to Montana tourism office. Some of them are true.

Q: Why do cowboys wear those big long handkerchiefs around their necks?

A: To cover up the seams where their necks attach to their shoulders.

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Q: Why do ranchers brand animals with hot irons?

A: A cold iron doesn’t get the wrinkles out.

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Q: Will I be able to see wolves in the wild if I come out west?

A: Sure, take one to lunch.

Q: Would I be able to ride a buffalo?

A: Only if it’s dead and/or you’re drunk.

Q: I’m planning on visiting Yellowstone National Park. Please send me a list of lodging places and restaurants in the Park and in surrounding communities.

A: Who was your unpaid secretary last year?

Q: Does Montana have scheduled coyote races? If so, please send dates.

A: Sure. Every 17th Sunday of the month. Bring binoculars.

Q: How cold does it get in Montana?

A: Nobody – except Al Gore – knows.

Q: Do cowboys carry firearms?

A: Only on weekends.

Q: Why do cowboys wear chaps?

A: They like the layered look.

Q: How could I become a cowgirl?

A: Try kissing a cowboy.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Montana?

A: No. You have to shoot your breakfast on a daily basis.

Q: Shall I bring evening dresses and high heels?

A: Absolutely. Wear to brandings.

Q: Do I need to bring anti rattlesnake serum with me?

A: No. All our rattlers have had anger management courses.

 

Q: How could I protect myself from a bear attack?

A: Bark like a dog and run like the devil.

Q: Are there indoor toilets in Montana?

A: Yes, but only in train stations.

Q: Could I go hiking in the wilderness or will I need to hire a guide? Is there a toll for hiking?

A: Hiking is free. A wolf on a leash will be your guide. The wolf is free but the leash is for rent (in advance).

Q: How close to the North Pole is Montana?

A: You can walk to Santa’s workshop in under 15 minutes.

Q: Are there any Indians still living in Montana?

A: Only my cousin: Does-Not-Play-Well-With-Others.

Q: Do the Indians speak English?

A: No. They communicate by smoke signal.

Q: Will I be able to speak English anywhere in Montana?

A: Only after you remove foot from mouth.

Q: Will Montanans be able to understand me?

A: Only if you speak slowly.

Q: Are there airports in Montana?

A: Yes. We keep the covered wagons there.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Montana?

A: No. Once in a while, an occasional soothing breeze.

Q: Does snow accumulate in winter?

A: Depends on your definition of “accumulate.”

Q: Are there Vegetarians and Vegans in Montana?

A: Yes, they’re called horses and cows.

Q: Will I see cowboys in big hats, jeans, boots, spurs?

A: Not if they see you first.