Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 3-26-12
This true story concerns First Responder rookies on their first call. What can I say. He is a gentle giant and built like Shrek only better looking. She’s got just the right amount of extra height and strength to be a force to reckon with and – if you squint – resembles Xena the Warrior Queen. Each are going after their certified EMT Certification, First Responder and Paramedic Training. Which are admirable goals. Which require extensive class work, extensive advanced training and experience in the field.
A call was received from a local motel. The night clerk reported that a man was slumped in a chair in the lobby. The captain of the EMT Center questioned the clerk and was told the individual was male, probably early 30s in age and appeared to be either very sick or perhaps drunk. (The clerk did not approach the man preferring to remain safely behind the registration desk).
When the phone jangled beside her bed, Xena rolled over, eyed the digital clock and groaned. The clock read 3 a.m. But that was what she was training for and Xena is a trooper. With the speed of a rookie responder, she dressed, gathered up her EMT gear and drove to the motel arriving at about the same moment as Shrek.
They entered together. The clerk pointed. They could see someone seated in a chair next to a potted plant. Shrek, the gentleman that he is, stood back to allow Xena to proceed first. She pulled on surgical gloves, stepped past the potted plant and approached. The fellow was shoeless, sockless and shirtless.
Did she panic? No. Did she roll her eyes at Shrek? Yes. Did Shrek step forward? No. He grinned and stepped back.
Xena proceeded to feel the pulse, probe for this and that, lift eyelids … whatever it is EMT’s are trained to do. About then the man stirred. And stretched. Did I mention that Xena said the shirtless man was, as she put it, “a muscular, well set up, handsome dude?” (She put it in slightly different terms).
He began to become agitated. He began to stand up. He, according to Xena, was a bit like a lion stretching. (She’s an incurable romantic at heart). Unfortunately, this lion apparently wore a pair of loose knee-length shorts – like those that basketball athletes wear – for a bedtime garment.
The operative word here is loose. When the lion stretched, his drawers dropped. Did I mention that while Xena had been probing and prodding, she was on her knees?
Where oh where was Shrek? Doubled over laughing so hard he had to hang on to the potted plant.
The story has an ending. Turned out the naked lion was a chronic sleep walker. He’d been partying the night before and the combination of alcohol and his sleep walking tendency sent him on a safari to the lobby.
Xena and Shrek got Mr. Birthday Suit taken care of, calmed the night clerk, wrote up a report and did whatever is required to be done after a Responder responds.
Xena claims it’s the first time she’s ever been frontally mooned. Xena and Shrek are still EMT partners. Did I mention that she’s a force to be reckoned with? Should somebody warn Shrek?
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