Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 4-11-11
April 11, 2011
Diets are big business. Here’s how it works: Raise kids on pastries, candy, more candy, more pastries, more candy, more, more, more. Have the child wash down such tripe with color-dyed iced slush, soda pop, or a mystery “energy” drink. Once the kids have been raised on these lovely edibles (?) – guaranteed to make him or her resemble a whale except for the fins – they are candidates for an adult life of chasing diets.
• Acai Berry Diet: A blue berry imported from the Amazon that cures what ails you and makes childbirth a pleasure.
• Cowboy Berry Diet: Sarvis berry found alongside a mountain trail. Eat just one; it’ll kill your appetite.
• Anti-inflammatory Diet: Raw veggies, no meat and lots of water.
• Cowboy Anti-Inflammatory Diet: Elk steak, beans and adult beverages.
• DASH Diet: Stands for Dietary Approach to Stop Hypertension.
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• Cowboy DASH Diet: Stands for Direct Approach to Sort Heifers.
• Dukan Diet: Popular in England and France – high protein and oat bran.
• Cowboy Dukan Diet: Popular in the Mint Bar and Grille – steak, eggs and Old Overshoe.
• Eat Right For Your Type Diet: Lots of tofu and not much else.
• Cowboy Eat Right For Your Type Diet: Don’t bother.
• Factor Five Diet Plan: Consume five of every food choice five times a day for five minutes at a time.
• Cowboy Factor Five Plan: Five eggs, five strips of bacon, five biscuits, five cups of coffee and five portions of hashbrowns daily.
• Flexitarian Diet Plan: Semi-vegetarian diet – veggies with 1-1/2 ounces of meat occasionally.
• Cowboy Flexitarian Diet Plan: Slam a prime rib on the plate. Enjoy.
• Macrobiotic Diet: A whole lot of not much but grain and rice.
• Cowboy Macrobiotic Diet: You gotta be kiddin’.
• Paleo Diet: Cave man diet – hunt and gather what you eat. Avoid eggs and potatoes.
• Cowboy Paleo Diet: Hunt elk, antelope, deer, or beef. Make into choice cuts. Add eggs and spuds.
• Perricone Diet Plan: Eat a lot of fish – avoid coffee, alcohol, eggs, flour, butter, beef, popcorn …
• Cowboy Perricone Diet Plan: Make your will – life ain’t worth livin’.
• Ryan’s Menu: Lotta fish, lotta veggies, lotta trouble to saute everything.
• Cowboy Ryan Menu Diet: Ho hum.
• Sensa Review: Reduce your craving for food.
• Cowboy Sensa Diet: Say what??
• Sonoma Diet: Recycled claptrap.
• Cowboy Sonoma Diet: If it’s rancid, bury it.
• The 100 Mile Diet: Eat only food grown within a 100 mile radius of where you live.
• Cowboy 100 Mile Diet: Fortunately, all your cows, sheep, hogs live within a 100 miles of your mouth.
• The Alkaline Diet Plan: This diet believes that food is bad.
• Cowboy Alkaline Diet: Should be able to whip this guy plumb easy.
• The Fat Smash Diet: Eat well, get plenty of exercise.
• Cowboy Fat Smash Diet: Well, now, there’s a thought …
• The Gene Smart Diet Plan: The usual … lots of veggies, exercise.
• Cowboy Gene Smart Diet Plan: Gene went off rodeoing for the summer. Will get back to you on this one.
• The Instinct Diet Plan: Developed by a shrink. Same old, same old, but with bigger words.
• Cowboy Instinct Diet Plan: Eat when you get hungry and quit whining.
• Ultimate Weight Diet Plan: More of the same.
• Cowboy Ultimate Weight Diet Plan: Add beer.
• Vegan Diet: Avoid all meat, eggs, honey, leather anything produced from an animal
• Cowboy Vegan Diet: Cannibalism is okay.
• Zone Diet: High protein etc., etc. etc. – Movie stars like this one.
• Cowboy Zone Diet: Hardboiled eggs at the Dirty Shame Saloon – Cowboys like this one.
One can obtain and enjoy any of these diets from $200 to $500 dollars and up. They come with instructions and hand-holding (each held hand costs more).