Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 6-13-11 |

Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 6-13-11

Gwen Petersen
Big Timber, Mont.

Ain’t it fascinating’ how many ways there are to fool folks, make ’em think rain falls up, black is white, poison is good for you, and politicians and corporations don’t lie.

Take cell phones: Now that everybody and their dog uses them, “they” have decided that these useful tools will give you a brain tumor. So “they” sell you those gadgets that stick in your ear.

Take caffeine: This elixir of the breakfast table goes on and off the list of what’s good/bad for you. “They” have gone overboard. Unlimited caffeine can be found in everything from brownies to baby formula. “Energy” drinks can wire you tighter than Arnold Schartzenhegger winning a body building contest. Hyped up kids can walk up walls and across ceilings.

Take “vitamin” drinks: Those are bottles of pretty colored water with eight teaspoons of sugar each. What a great way to lose weight. Hurry, drink your vitamins.

Take “healthy” blueberry bran muffins: These yummies have more calories and fat than a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. Talk about healthy … keep talking and talking and talking.

Take Granola bars: These goulash collections soaked in syrup are the concoctions Vegan and Vegetarians like to tout. However they (the granola bars, not the V&V’s) have more calories than a Snicker’s candy bar. Isn’t that cute.

Take chewable vitamin C: Which contains enough acid to eat your teeth enamel. Isn’t that double cute.

Take ocean fish: So full of Mercury, you could be a light bulb. So much for fish food to save you from debilitation, dreadful dreams and drooping psyche, not to mention whatever you want to mention.

Take the majority of salads: By the time you add bacon bits, dressings, olives, assorted cheeses, you’ve got more fat, sugar, carbs and calories than a double cheeseburger. Eat them often, bask in self-congratulation for not eating meat – and watch yourself gain weight.

Take Kava: A plant touted by celebrities (you know the ones that occupy a lot of space in Hollywood) who argue that this peculiar root growth makes you feel as good as if you’re on Prozac. Maybe so, I wouldn’t know, but the stuff can knock out your liver faster than you can spell healthy.

Take “herbal” supplements: Might as well take up marijuana. Ain’t nothin’ in these euphemisms but mystery ingredients doctored with sugar. They come in such a pretty package. Too bad, they don’t do anything for you – except drain your pocketbook.

Take potatoes: The potato is being targeted as responsible for obese people. Walk into any grocery store or supermarket and look for spuds. They’re often in bins at the end or the start of the vegetable aisles. To get there you safari past miles of shelving holding candy, bakery sweets, frozen sweets, sugared cereals, cooler after cooler of soda pop, “energy” drinks (sugary liquids), and on and on and on and on.

The Food Police – let’s make that the Food Nazis – are after the potato. If you measure idiocy on a scale of one to 10, chasing a potato off your menu is obscene. Other than the above list of baleful views, I don’t have much of an opinion on the latest attempt to manage and manipulate dumb folks like me.

I’m firing up my pickup and driving to town to treat myself to a meal of caffeine, salty French fries and alcohol. Caffeine, salt, fat and sugar … the four food groups.