Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 7-29-13
Big Timber, Mont.
There’s a fever going ’round. Possibly a virus. It is not an epidemic — more of a recessive gene.
Wanna-Be-Cowboyitis is a condition lurking in the souls of some urban men and women. The FDA has approved a medication which will alleviate — or at least suppress — the feverish yearning that accompanies an outbreak of Wanna-Be-Cowboyitis.
MEDICATION BRAND NAME: Cowboy Bolus Capsule
Cowboy Bolus Capsule Information:
IMPORTANT: How to use this information: This information does not assure that this product is safe, effective or appropriate for you. This information is not advice only to an individual; it does not substitute for guidance from your Trail Boss Cowboy Professional.
WARNING: This medication should not be used for weight loss. Large doses of this medication may cause serious, possibly fatal side effects, especially when taken while fasting, dieting or ingesting beer.
USES: Cowboy Bolus Capsule is used to treat aspirations of being or becoming a cowboy. This medication should not be used to treat infertility or low hormone levels.
HOW TO USE: Take this medication as directed by your Trail Boss Cowboy Professional: Once daily before breakfast (5:00 a.m.) with two to six cups of strong coffee. Symptoms of low cowboy hormone levels include tiredness (after changing irrigation pipe), muscle aches (after stretching two miles of fence wire), constipation (usually occurs after all day in the saddle), dry skin (from hot sun, wind and no sunscreen), weight gain (usually not a problem), slow heartbeat (indicates a need for more coffee) or sensitivity to cold (frost bite to ears, toes, fingers in below zero temperatures). Tell your Trail Boss Cowboy Professional if your condition worsens or persists after several weeks of taking this medication.
SIDE EFFECTS: Fatigue, muscle aches, painful blisters in the first few months. This effect is usually temporary as your body adjusts to the medication. If this effect persists or worsens tell your Trail Boss Professional Cowboy. No whining. Remember this medication has been prescribed for you; the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects.
PRECAUTIONS: Before taking Cowboy Bolus Capsule medication, tell your Trail Boss Cowboy Professional if you are allergic to work. Current information shows that this drug may be used during pregnancy. Tell your Trail Boss Cowboy Professional if you are pregnant because your dose may need to be adjusted.
DRUG INTERACTIONS: While using this product, do not start, stop or change the dosage of any other medicines you are using without your Trail Boss Cowboy Professional’s approval. Some activities and products that may interact with this drug may include: rattlesnakes, poker playing and criticizing the Cook.
OVERDOSE: If an overdose of Cowboy Bolus Capsule is suspected, contact a toxic control center (usually the Mint or Stockman bar).
NOTES: Do not share this medication with others. There will be laboratory and/or medical tests to monitor your Wanna-Be-A-Cowboyitis progress. Some typical tests: Topping off an ouchy bronc, A-I’n 50 head of cows without a break, taking the position of shoving calves up the chute during branding day.
MISSED DOSE: Contact your Trail Boss Cowboy Professional if you miss two or more doses in a row. (He or she will issue you severance pay immediately).
STORAGE: Store at room temperature away from light and moisture. Do not flush this medication down the toilet or pour down a drain. Keep this medication away from children, pets, brand inspectors and the Cook. ❖