Gwen Peterson: Cowboys discuss vegetarians and vegans
Times they are a-changing.
Vegetarianism: the theory or practice of living on a diet made up of vegetables, fruits, grains, nuts and sometimes animal products such as milk and cheese. No milk and cheese? I guess that means a Vegan? No matter. It’s a puzzle. Meat eaters don’t care if others refrain from ingesting meat — the food that provides more vitamins and minerals to build strong bones than any other food choice. Vegetarians, however, crusade against meat-eating.
Jake and Jerome, two dyed-in-the-wool meat eaters leaned on the back-end of Jake’s pickup discussing life and what happened to one of their cowboy pals.
“Hey,” said Jerome, “have you heard what they done to Wade?”
“No, what?” asked Jake.
“He don’t eat meat no more. No, steak, no ribs, no burgers.”
“Shoot,” said Jake, spitting a wad of snoose juice, “I don’t wanna call ya a liar ‘er nothin’ but I know fer a fact that Wade’s been swallerin’ a sixteen ounce steak every Friday night since he was two.”
“Not no more,” sighed Jerome. “Ain’t nothin’ goes down his gullet now ‘cept leeks, lettuce, lentils and carrots in tofu sauce.”
“Holy Herefords!” said Jake. “Has the pore feller gone batty?”
“Naw, he’s been radicalized.”
“Yep,” said Jerome. Them AVAB fellers got ‘im plumb radicalized.
Jake stared. “What the hey is a AVAB?
“The Association of Vegetarians Against Beef. Them fellers done radicalized poor ol’ Wade to hate meat.”
“How in the name of Angus did they do that?” asked Jake, hanging onto the pickup to steady himself.
“Well,” said Jerome, “They put one of them shock collars on him.”
“Shock collar?! Whaaaaat?! What d’ya mean shock collar?!”
“Just what I said. They got Wade outfitted with a shock collar,”
“Goldang it, Jerome,” “How’d they do that? Wade ain’t a small guy.”
“Shot him with a dart. Took him out like a light. When he woke up he was wearing this big ol’ collar.”
“Holy Limousin,” said Jake.
“Uh-huh,” said Jerome. Them AVAB honyockers paraded steaks, burgers, ribs, bacon and chops past Wade and ever’ time he even glanced at meat, the collar operator pushed a button and pore Wade got this big ol’ ‘lectric shock.”
Jake had no response. He could only shiver at the horrible picture.
“They turned Wade loose last week,” continued Jerome. “It’s pitiful. Ya see him in the Coffee Shop and all he can eat is the dinner salad without bacon bits.”
Jake pushed away from the pickup, squared his shoulders, took a deep breath and stated, “Jerome, we gotta do somethin’ to save Wade.”
“Yer right,” agreed Jerome, “Pore feller looks awful. He’s losin’ weight, his pants don’t fit no more and he ain’t havin’ no fun. All he does is worry.”
“We gotta reverse-radicalize ol’ Wade,” declared Jake.
They found their friend at the Coffee Shop staring at a plate of cabbage slaw. Jake and Jerome crowded into the booth with Wade and ordered fat, juicy, medium-rare burgers.
When the burgers appeared, the collar around Wade’s neck began to glow, about to zap him should he even think about eating meat.
“Wade,” said Jake, “Yer neck’s on fire.” Jake pulled out a loaded squirt gun. Jerome pulled another. Both guns blazed with a stream of water which shorted out the shock collar. Wade’s lost-look expression gradually turned into wide-eyed wonder. He was free! He began to drool. Quickly, Jerome shoved a burger toward him. In a flash, Wade had scarfed it down. Jake and Jerome left their pal tying into his third burger.
Jake and Jerome are continuing their Vigilante campaign of reverse-radicalizing vegetarians. Be careful what you order. J and J may be watching…❖