Gwen Peterson: When meat substitutes go a bit too far |

Gwen Peterson: When meat substitutes go a bit too far

Quit eating meat say vegans, vegetarians, vruitarians … you name it, there’s a group out there proclaiming that eating red meat is bad and will make you die too early. They loudly proclaim they have a magic key to immortality. One wonders: Someday, when lying in a hospital bed dying of nothing, will they be surprised?


Now I don’t mind what people eat

I don’t care if they don’t like meat,

Don’t give a durn if all their meals

Are tofu, termite eggs or eels.

But there are those who won’t be quiet

They preach against red meat in diet!

So cattle ranchers, let’s quit raising

Animals requiring grazing!

Ranchers! Start growing purebred worms.

Though the flesh is gray and often squirms

And once you’ve gathered worms in herds

You’re apt to lose the calves to birds.

And branding time’s another matter

Those sizzling irons can make worms spatter!

And when you go to cut a calf

You’re apt to wind up half and half.

And trying to fry those bull worm parts

Can challenge all your cooking arts.

So clean them off with little tweezers

And serve them later as appe-teezers.

And in the vet schools will they teach

How to know a worm is breech?

If she hiplocks, use your hands?

With tiny pullers of rubber bands?

Lassoing wild worms on the range

Could also be a tad bit strange.

It’s hard to rope a slippery form

That has no shoulders, neck or horn.

When raising worms starts catching on

Cows as food will all be gone

And soon in stores where folks buy meats

They’ll find that worms are protein treats.

Wrapped in plastic with coded label

Describing worm cuts for their table

Chicken fried with lots of gravy?

Ground round worm for burgers, maybe?

Worms of jerky for those who hike?

Dried and salted the way they like?

Will advocates across the land

Lobby Congress to get meat banned?

Will vegetarians eat worm sirloin?

And casseroles of diced worm groin?

Will dedicated vegans dine

On worms sautéed in Merlot wine?

Will they devour a dish gourmet

Of baked night crawler worm soufflé?

No matter how or what they say

I don’t believe I’ll go that way.

Let me express my bone-deep views.

Give a listen to this heartfelt news.

I have a choice, and I do choose,

A red meat steak — with a little booze! ❖


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