Gwen Peterson: When meat substitutes go a bit too far
June 24, 2016
Quit eating meat say vegans, vegetarians, vruitarians … you name it, there's a group out there proclaiming that eating red meat is bad and will make you die too early. They loudly proclaim they have a magic key to immortality. One wonders: Someday, when lying in a hospital bed dying of nothing, will they be surprised?
Now I don't mind what people eat
I don't care if they don't like meat,
Don't give a durn if all their meals
Are tofu, termite eggs or eels.
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But there are those who won't be quiet
They preach against red meat in diet!
So cattle ranchers, let's quit raising
Animals requiring grazing!
Ranchers! Start growing purebred worms.
Though the flesh is gray and often squirms
And once you've gathered worms in herds
You're apt to lose the calves to birds.
And branding time's another matter
Those sizzling irons can make worms spatter!
And when you go to cut a calf
You're apt to wind up half and half.
And trying to fry those bull worm parts
Can challenge all your cooking arts.
So clean them off with little tweezers
And serve them later as appe-teezers.
And in the vet schools will they teach
How to know a worm is breech?
If she hiplocks, use your hands?
With tiny pullers of rubber bands?
Lassoing wild worms on the range
Could also be a tad bit strange.
It's hard to rope a slippery form
That has no shoulders, neck or horn.
When raising worms starts catching on
Cows as food will all be gone
And soon in stores where folks buy meats
They'll find that worms are protein treats.
Wrapped in plastic with coded label
Describing worm cuts for their table
Chicken fried with lots of gravy?
Ground round worm for burgers, maybe?
Worms of jerky for those who hike?
Dried and salted the way they like?
Will advocates across the land
Lobby Congress to get meat banned?
Will vegetarians eat worm sirloin?
And casseroles of diced worm groin?
Will dedicated vegans dine
On worms sautéed in Merlot wine?
Will they devour a dish gourmet
Of baked night crawler worm soufflé?
No matter how or what they say
I don't believe I'll go that way.
Let me express my bone-deep views.
Give a listen to this heartfelt news.
I have a choice, and I do choose,
A red meat steak — with a little booze! ❖