Hogs Gone Wild
When you think about it, wild hogs are no different than wild horses in that they both either escaped from domestic herds, or were turned loose on purpose by their owners. And yet all the city dudes want to save the horses but shoot the wild hogs. It makes no sense. We have liberal soccer moms crying crocodile tears and protesting over the treatment of wild horses while several states urge their hunters to shoot wild hogs on sight. Most states have no season or bag limit on wild hogs so feel free to blast away. But can you imagine the howling if we allowed wild horse hunting?
There are 201 areas in this country where well-intentioned ignoramuses are trying to save wild horses, which researchers tell us are genetically identical to domestic horses. At the same time, wild hogs have been declared an invasive species and there is not single wild hog sanctuary in the country. Nor is there a single rescue mission for racing hogs that have grown too big for the starting gate. Shame on us.
Nor do wild hogs have a comparable spokesman like the ex-wife of billionaire Boone Pickens who has become the face of wild horses. As far as I know, no one has stepped forward to be the face of the wild hogs. I vow to be that face, and if you’ve ever seen me in person, you know I’m the right guy for the job. I have been compared favorably to the Berkshire breed on more than one occasion.
It is with a great deal of greed that I am proud to announce the formation of a nonprofit group to raise cash, and cain, for wild pigs. Please send your money in unmarked bills so that I can buy up land to create a string of wild pig sanctuaries across the country, where I might also run a few cows. And no, even if the ex-Mrs. Pickens would be willing to share her horse sanctuaries it won’t work because her wild horses have already grazed them down till they look like the Sahara Desert.
I am also proud to announce that every four years during our Presidential and Congressional elections we will celebrate Hog Awareness Week in which I will attempt to educate the public about wild pigs. For example, did you know the reason wild hogs look wilder than their counterpoint equines is because during the 1930’s ranchers in this country released wild Russian boars for the purpose of creating wild hogs to hunt. That’s right, the wild hogs in this country are a bunch of pinko-commie pigs, so liberal left wingers really ought to love them. Another reason wild pigs look like a bunch of razorbacks with distended abdomens is because people turned their pot bellied pigs loose to fend for themselves when that bubble burst bigger than the Beanie Babies.
Wild hogs are the perfect species to ruin all the BLM land because they reproduce much faster than horses, having two litters per year with as many as ten pigs in each litter. Nor do the hogs practice safe sex or birth control like many BLM horses do. Just think, at this rate the Feds could tie up Iowa and half the West in just a few short years and the land in the pig sanctuaries could be just as mismanaged as the wild horse lands. We’ll have feedlots bursting with wild hogs and it won’t be long before we have millions of worthless pigs on government welfare. Oh, I forgot, we already do.
Soon I’ll be sponsoring our first wild hog adoption, although rounding up the wild hogs may prove more daunting that rounding up wild horses. You just don’t call out, “soooeey” and expect the wild hogs to come a runnin’. And I doubt a helicopter would be of much use. The choppers might run the hogs so hard they’d pull a hamstring.
There is a method to my madness. After we start saving wild hogs the next step will be to ban slaughterhouses that kill pigs. That will leave 51 pounds of the other white meat per person per year that could theoretically be replaced by beef. So, save a wild pig. Eat more beef. Tell me that wouldn’t make a great bumper sticker! ❖
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Hudspeth County, Texas — In the fall of 2019, ranch hands were gathering a bull when they noticed something out of place. One of their employer’s cows was freshly branded, with someone else’s brand.