In a Sow’s Ear 1-4-10 | TheFencePost.com

In a Sow’s Ear 1-4-10

Are you ready for the new year? The world is a mess. The bad guys are out to getcha. Insanity is rampant, nutsos rule the planet. The globe is warming up. Pretty soon oceans will be lapping at your door. Mr. Gore is building an ark and counting animals two by two. Weirdoes are blowing themselves up or setting themselves on fire in order to get a pass into the Garden of Virgins. The economy is in the dumpster and politicians insist you can pick up a chunk of manure by the clean end.

In small town Montana, we’ve decided to keep the upper lips stiff and the grins wide by starting 2010 off with the 10th annual Toot, Snoot ‘n Hoot Chili Contest and Run-a-mok Comedy show, subtitled “They Came From Beneath the Bandstand.” Why that subtitle? Blame it on musicians. It’s a little like an inside joke, so a professional guitar playing friend advises. He’s just turned 60 and is captaining the music part of the Toot show. His idea is that looking back on former times, musically speaking, it is what is needed in “trying times.”

As for the meaning of Toot, Snoot ‘n Hoot, think of the chili contest as the “Toot,” adult beverages as the “Snoot” and the comedy show as the “Hoot.”

A prodigious number of very important stars are traveling here from all over the globe to participate. Calamity Jane is coming from Boot Hill in Virginia City. She’s promised not to cuss or spit too much during the show.

The Voluptuous Vamps of Valhalla are swimming across the Atlantic, dodging icebergs and whales. They may arrive damp, but they’ll be here.

The Beach Bums, wearing Hawaiian shirts, are surfing all the way to Montana on a big wave from Oahu. They’re bringing Little Surfer Girl with them on her own board.

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The Ink Snots, wearing tuxedos, plan to drive hybrid motor cars – one per Snot. They’ll practice their songs by texting and iPoding from vehicle to vehicle.

Patsy Decline is bringing her own band – the Rolling Bones – as she is not sure our group has the ability to keep up with her.

The Village Macho Men asked the Sheriff’s office for a cop’s hat … the construction worker operating the backhoe at the cemetery is supplying a hard hat. John Wayne is donating a cowboy hat and demonstrating how to walk with attitude. Standing Bear is constructing a headdress from eagle feathers he obtained by pulling three feathers from the tails of 400 eagles (he’s environmentally conscious). The Queen of England air-shipped the Machos a top hat and a bicycle cap as she’s always been fond of macho men, especially if they can spell YMCA.

Twister Sister has promised to take part. Dagnabit Duane and Top ‘O the Mornin’ Taylor are making their fiddles smoke. The Little Old Lady from Pasadena has motorized her walker and pledges a tap dance. And more of course.

So, cheer up, smile, keep the faith, keep the chin (or chins up), and sing about what is good, decent and enjoyable.

As has been done in previous years the Toot show will be video taped and DVD’s made. Free copies go to any audience individual who cares to send a copy to someone in the service. While we know the Toot shows are so full of corn you could feed cattle on the fallout, we humbly trust that the DVD’s will afford a taste of back home to military men and women.