In a Sow’s Ear 10-5-10 |

In a Sow’s Ear 10-5-10

Golf … it’s what retirees and tourists consider a fun activity. It’s a game you play on contiguous acres of mowed pasture. Equipment consists of a bag of sticks and a bunch of dimple-pitted white balls about the size of a ripe apricot. Clothing: Easy fit trousers, a polo shirt and a cap with a visor. Goal: Smack (stroke) the apricot with one of the sticks (which have little angled flat extensions on the ends) and hope it (the apricot, not the stick) falls into a cup. Cup: A man-made hole in the pasture (not put there by a gopher, prairie dog or jackrabbit).

Terminology is important to any activity or occupation. Golfers employ a bagful of terms for use when chasing the apricots or when “talking golfing” with fellow apricot-chasers.

As with Golfers, Ranchers use terms unique to their occupation. A comparison of a few terms respective to either pursuit follows.

Golfer’s Approach … Smacking the apricot so it’ll fall on the green mowed part of the pasture.

Rancher’s Approach … A cautious movement when halter-breaking a 700-pound steer calf.

Golfer’s Apron … Where one part of the pasture grass has been mowed shorter than another part.

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Rancher’s Apron … A utilitarian piece of clothing useful for collecting eggs, shooing geese or wiping off an engine’s dipstick.

Golfer’s Birdie … Sinking the apricot into the cup with fewer than usual smacks.

Rancher’s Birdie … Cackling creatures which taste good fried, baked or broiled.

Golfer’s Bunker … A hazard area filled with sand designed to trap an apricot.

Rancher’s Bunker … A ranch woman’s private cranny equipped with chair, a pile of romance novels and cold beer.

Golfer’s Chip shot … Smacking the apricot from just a little way off the mowed part of the pasture.

Rancher’s Chip shot … Cow-manufactured ammunition used by kids during mock or real hostilities.

Golfer’s Dogleg … Refers to the curved pathway the apricot makes rolling toward the cup.

Rancher’s Dogleg … Wound caused by Heeler pup as in, “Your dog bit my leg.”

Golfer’s Eagle … When an apricot is smacked into a cup in fewer than two smacks per standard for a particular hole.

Rancher’s Eagle … What you named the new bull after he jumped five fences.

Golfer’s Fairway … The portion of pasture which is kept neatly mowed.

Rancher’s Fairway … An equitable division of labor twixt ranch man and ranch woman. (When machinery breaks down, she goes to town for parts).

Golfer’s Handicap … Adjusting the score so lousy golfers can compete with the better players.

Rancher’s Handicap … Head covering useful for keeping off hot sun, gathering eggs or whacking the cat off the counter.

Golfer’s Hook … When the smacked apricot bends to the left.

Rancher’s Hook … An implement shaped like a question mark upon which the stuff on the floor should be hanging.

Golfer’s Pitch … Smacking the apricot in a high trajectory so it only goes a short distance.

Rancher’s Pitch … What’s done with clothing after a close encounter of the skunk kind.

Golfer’s Slice … When the apricot is smacked and curves in the shape of a banana.

Rancher’s Slice … What happened to your finger when cutting weeds with a hand sickle or the pie you had with your coffee.

Golfer’s Ace … Smack an apricot into a cup.

Rancher’s Ace … The kids’ pet rooster, the husband’s nickname, or a positive affirmation as in, “You bet your sweet Ace.”