In a Sow’s Ear 12-14-09
Lulubelle calls every so often and we solve the world’s problems Lulubelle style. Last week when I read an article containing tips on how to protect oneself in an “emergency” situation – such as being abducted, robbed, molested, stalked or what-have-you – to Lulubelle, she snorted with disdain.
• Article Tip Number One: If someone wants your wallet or purse, throw it as far as you can so he will chase the money rather than you.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s comment: “I don’t carry money in a purse. I carry it in my boot-top wallet.”
• Article Tip Number Two: After you throw away the purse, run like mad in the other direction.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s Comment: “Oh, yeah? He’d get the pointy toe of my boot right in his … brains.”
• Article Tip Number Three: Do not linger in your car working on a list or some other task, especially in a public parking lot. The predator could slip into the passenger side and put a gun to your head.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s Comment: “I don’t drive a car I drive a pickup. And my dog, Buster, occupies the passenger seat. Buster does not tolerate strangers well.”
• Article Tip Number Four: If you’re thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights, stick your arm out and wave madly.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s Comment: “If any idjit shoves me as far as the trunk, I’m grabbing a tire iron.”
• Article Tip Number Five: If someone puts a gun to your head and tells you to drive off, gun the motor and slam into something. The airbag will protect you and the predator will be off balance. Get out and run as fast as you can.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s Comment: “I got a 357 Magnum under the driver’s side of my pickup and I can hit whatever I aim at.”
• Article Tip Number Seven: When in a public building, always take the elevator rather than the stairs.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s Comment: “There’s only one elevator in my town. It goes from level one to level two of the town library.”
• Article Tip Number Eight: If someone threatens you with a gun, run away as fast as you can in a zig zag pattern. Only one chance in four he’ll actually hit you.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s comment: “Remember the 357? It’s in my pocket.”
• Article Tip Number Nine: Watch out for phony tricks such as a guy pretending to limp and appearing to need help getting into his vehicle. Serial killers frequently use these kinds of ploys.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s Comment: “Check my pocket.”
• Article Tip Number 10: When in the house, do not fall for the crying baby trick. Predators sometimes play a recording of a crying baby to lure women to open the door.
Cowgirl Lulubelle’s comment: “Buster, the cowdog, is on duty outside.”
By now, I’m chuckling along with Lulubelle. “But you must admit,” I said, “it’s a good idea to be cautious.”
“I was almost hijacked once,” she stated.
“What?!” I clamped the phone tighter to my ear. Had I heard right? “Whaddya mean?”
“Just that,” said Lulubelle.
“Tell all,” I demanded.
“Not much to tell. Guy on foot eased up alongside my pickup. It was summer. Windows were open. Guy threatened me with a gun. Buster boiled through the window right in his face. I pulled my Magnum from under the seat and shot him in the arm. He dropped his popper. I called 911. Cops came. Guy’s in the hoosegow.”
Moral: Do not mess with Lulubelle. Her Indian name: Does-Not-Play-Well-With- Others.
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