In a Sow’s Ear
And away they go. The politicians, that is. Look! Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird? A plane? No, it’s a peripatetic politician flying high, flying low, lips a-flutter as he/she tells the big windies of his/her position. The next pre-election weeks will be a marvel of wild rhetoric as candidates aim verbal bullets at one another. Exaggerations, mis-information and wild prevarications effectively camouflage any lonely nuggets of fact, genuine wisdom or concern for the likes of most of us.
In my state, the battle between the incumbent Congressman and his challenger is so ridiculous, it’s turning into a comedy. Jokes are springing up everywhere. Last week I attended a playwriting workshop in which we were given an assignment to create a one-page play using only two characters. My pen took off and the following is what happened. (I did not use real names, but since I made their names rhyme, it won’t be difficult”should you be interested”to figure out who’s who).
THE GREAT DEBATE.
Characters: Kornran Spurns and Juice Quester.
Setting: An auditorium. Two podiums, spaced far apart. Two candidates garbed in the usual dark blue or black tailored suit and each wearing a tie that will show up well on television.
KORNRAN SPURNS: Juice Quester, stop hiding under a brushcut hairdo. Too many haircuts and taxes will go up. I refuse to cut hair. I’m Kornran Spurns and I approve this message. Paid for by the Committee for Korn on the Kob.
JUICE QUESTER: Senator Kornran, what shade of Clairol do you use to color your wig? Why do you insist on taking money from Speaker Ablebottom before you count it? I’m Juice Quester and I approve this message. Paid for by Friends of Changing Sides.
KORNRAN SPURNS: Juice, Juice, Juice … how can you say you’re for the American people when you voted against the Bend Over and Do It To Me Act. I’m Kornran Spurns and I approve this message.
JUICE QUESTER: Senator Spurns, it’s time for a change. I’m ready to step up to the plate and convince all the politicians to turn the other cheek when they bend over. I’m Juice Quester and I approve this message.
KORAN SPURNS: Juice Quester, my record is clear. I have always supported bending over. As a former Boy Scout, I have always upheld the American right to bend over. I’m Kornran Spurns and I approve this message.
JUICE QUESTER: Senator Kornran, my brother served in the Eagle Mount Bendover Reserves for thirty years. So, I strongly resent your questioning my Bendover dedication. I’m Juice Quester and I approve this message.
KORNRAN SPURNS: Juice Quester, you’re an extremist who is dishonest with the American people about your record of Bending Over. I’m Kornran Spurns and I approve this message.
JUICE QUESTER: Senator Spurns, you’ve been Bending Over in Congress for sixteen years. It’s time for a change.
(Both step forward, link arms and sing to the tune: “Glow Worm.”
We are the Washington candidates
Don’t forget that November date
Be sure you vote for one of us
And we’ll pork out on the public trust.
(Cake walk dance off stage).
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Cameron Ross Irons, age 32, was apprehended May 24 on an arrest warrant for Larceny of Domestic Animals (Horse) after criminal charges were filed by Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association Special Ranger Bart Perrier.