In a Sow’s Ear |

In a Sow’s Ear

Those who think they’ll live forever by rearranging the natural order of the universe have developed something called the “Great American Meatout.” Is that a bad disease? Sort of.

Vegetarians have organized and apparently are heavily funded by assorted celebrities. Somehow non-meat eaters feel the Diet has given them divinely bestowed information. It’s a whole new religion. The Veggie bunch feel behooved to stampede around zealously yammering that the world will be saved if only everyone would quit eating meat.

Their logic? Animals produce more greenhouse gas than automobiles (the Veggies claim). Therefore get rid of the animals, especially meat animals. With that kind of thinking, it follows that humans ought to be gotten rid of. I don’t know about your relatives, but mine are responsible for some pretty ugly gas attacks. Cousin Gevernia, for instance, really ought to carry a personal air-spray deodorant. She has a little Peek-a-Poo dog (Poopsie) that travels everywhere with her. Gevernia claims it’s Poopsie that has the problem.

Animals are responsible for global warming (the Veggies claim). Therefore, get rid of meat animals. Wolves, coyotes and other predators are to be excused since they’re part of the “natural” world.

Going along with the nonsense, you could say that feet cause wear and tear on sidewalks and trails. Therefore, get rid of feet. Have a Feetout.

Or you could claim that arms cause legs since they’re generally found in the same vicinity. Therefore get rid of legs. Have a Legsout.

Or possibly you’ve noticed that your nose tends to wrinkle when confronted with a bad smell such as skunk juice. Have a Noseout and you’ll not be bothered with unpleasant odors.

And all dogs should be put down since they not only eat meat, they chase cats. To save the kitty populations, it’s time to hold a Dogout. On the other hand, cats eat mice. Eek! Meat! Therefore get rid of all cats. Have a Catout.

I just heard from John Wayne, Calamity Jane, Wyatt Earp, Wild Bill Hickock, Buffalo Bill Cody and Lefty Logan (local meat processor). Lefty is wrapping up steaks, burgers, chops and ribs in tidy packages to be sent to all the Congressmen in D.C. and the headquarters of P.E.T.A., VeggiesForEcology, and half a dozen similar zealot organizations. Each meat package to include the following verse:

The Vegetarian’s Creed

He vows he shall not ever eat

Repulsive fibers of red meat;

No dead birds shall cross his tongue,

And he shall be forever young.

He’ll not ingest a chicken’s eggs,

Nor anything that walks on legs;

Eating flesh is most uncouth,

And causes folks to lose their youth.

To keep his body fresh as silk,

He won’t imbibe a bovine’s milk,

By eating radishes and peas.

To life immortal he has the keys.

He eats his artichokes and carrots

Claiming veggies hold all the merits

Beans and lentils for his diet

No nasty meat, he will not try it.

Though from his creed he never strayed,

This vegetarian still was laid

Out in a coffin, then interred,

And over him these words were heard:

“Blessed is this vegetarian,

Refused to gnaw on meats agrarian;

To his chagrin he turned to dust

So much for where he put his trust.”


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