In a Sow’s Ear
If I didn’t get mail from various groups and individuals wanting a donation, there would be days I’d likely find my mail box plumb empty. I’m turning into a Scrooge when I consider the endless requests for money. Usually the cover letter drones on and on trying to push my guilt button. Or sometimes the balderdash babble attempts to activate my snob knob ” like if I donate to such and such, I’ll be listed as “Gold” or maybe “Platinum” or possibly Hotter Than a Pistol. It all depends on what gimmicks the blurb writers think up ” a bit like speech writing for politicians.
Last month alone I heard from:
$ Nature Conservancy who thought they couldn’t go on touting how they’re saving the land, the rivers, the forests unless I quick sent them a check.
$ The Cancer organization which indicated I’d let down jillions of suffering cancer victims if I didn’t cough up some dollars immediately.
$ Three different theatre troupes felt they would have to throw in the towel if I didn’t hurry to supplement their income.
$ The American Legion Auxiliary twisted my heart strings with an appeal to give to the cause of caring for all.
$ Two different colleges imparted that an appalling lack of funds might lead them to close their doors if I didn’t instantly ship them an infusion of cash.
$ The Sierra Club claimed all was lost for bears, spotted owls, black-faced ferrets and newts if I didn’t gallop to their rescue with my checkbook.
$ Peace Officer groups claimed I was their last hope in helping maintain law and order; they needed my dollars to clean up assorted dens of iniquities; without my financial assistance, the batteries in their flashing roof-top lights would go dead.
The preceding are just a few of the national groups and organizations trying to extract dollars from my piddling bank account. Locally, the gimmee-gimmee story repeats. Last month alone I received requests for moola from:
$ The local Pool Committee who has a drive on for funds to build a community swimming pool and without my help, their dream would not come to fruition.
$ The Museum Society feels that my donation would be the crux that would keep the Museum operating and the artifacts dusted.
$ School organizations passionately claim they need funds to go to Science Olympiad, go on international trips, sponsor ski trips, help pay for sports and band uniforms, and who knows, possibly subsidize chewing gum on the bedpost overnight.
$ The Woman’s Club project ” a campaign to solicit funding to build a kiddy playground set-up in the local city park so that the tots can have state-of-the-art swings and sand piles.
$ A regional Anthology editor who requested first, a donated freebie piece of writing for the volume and now! wants money to help with publication costs.
These are only a few of the wondrous requests. I won’t get into the garbage verbiage put out by credit card companies trying to coax me into “cash back,” “world points” and “rewards” which mean they’ll send me a gadget, a gew-gaw, a thing-a-ma-jig and all I have to do is send them the price of shipping. Since the wholesale unit cost of the items offered is a miniscule amount, the “shipping and handling” is extra gravy in credit card corporate pockets.
Extracting money from other people’s wallets has evolved to an art form. What and to whom people donate money is a strictly private business. I don’t blab about funds I bestow. I’d wager you don’t either. However, if you’re in the mood to “give,” might I suggest you consider a generous contribution to the Hysterical House of Hogwash, Hooey and Hokum. Make the checks to “cash” and send to my address.
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Cameron Ross Irons, age 32, was apprehended May 24 on an arrest warrant for Larceny of Domestic Animals (Horse) after criminal charges were filed by Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association Special Ranger Bart Perrier.