In a Sow’s Ear 3-29-10 | TheFencePost.com

In a Sow’s Ear 3-29-10

In answer to an alert reader’s question of motorcycles and aging, I’ve expanded last month’s column on Old Age in a Q & A manner.

Question: How does an antediluvian cowgirl achieve Adventure if she’s older than dirt?

Answer: She must improvise. When legs no longer have sufficient flexibility to allow mounting her horse without the assistance of a ladder or crane, her range-riding days are reduced to range-riding minutes.

When she looks in the mirror hoping to find peaches and cream complexion that she (dimly) recalls from long-ago youth, but what she sees are liver spots, blotches, and the beginnings of a mustache, she might sink into a wallow of gloom and disgust.

Escapades, exploits, quests, ventures, exciting activities, journeys, explorations – in other words adventure dangles out of reach in her over-the-hill years, especially as she begins picking up speed on the down-hill slopes.

Turns out she fails to identify with do-gooding activities. Turns out she doesn’t “socialize” at the local Senior Center where the excitement of the day is putting together a picture puzzle. Turns out she doesn’t watch T.V. Turns out she thinks most movies are merely excuses for pornography. Turns out she doesn’t worry about “Health Care” either since she’ll no doubt be in her crypt before she’s due to receive any “benefits.”

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Repeat of opening Question: What does a crone-ager do for adventure in her “golden years”?

Answer: Buys a motorcycle and goes on a road trip.

Comment: Say whuuut???!

Explanation: For quite a spell she’s pondered the idea of motorcycle trips … but with reflexes and strength on the wane, the question becomes: How would she handle the cycle if it fell over? Like a dead dinosaur, it would have to remain where it fell because she wouldn’t have the muscle power to pick it up.

Explanation: She purchased a Vespa Motorcycle with a Sidecar. Which means the outfit can’t fall over. And it only goes about 55 top speed, so the danger of speeding to excess is nil.

Question: Will she have a companion person ride in the sidecar? If so, will this be an Old Cowboy with whom she can establish a friendly and beneficial relationship?

Answer: Bailout the Dog will be passenger in the sidecar. In contrast to Old Cowboy, Bailout the Dog seldom argues, loves to ride, is cheap to feed, never criticizes the driver, works for free and comes when called.

Question: And what about bad weather and mosquitoes?

Answer: Rain slicker, wind-proof jacket and extra-large goggles to keep skeeters from stabbing the eyeballs. (To avoid bugs on her teeth, she will learn to keep the lips closed while riding.)

Question: Where is she going to ride on this adventure?

Answer: In Montana, there’s an east-west State Hiway that ribbons along the northern edge of the state. The road is referred to as “The Hi-Line” since it parallels the border between USA and Canada. She and Bailout plan to travel along the Hi-Line from Malta to Wolf Point.

Question: So what’s the point of the whole plan?

Answer: At each small town she will chat with folks about the history of their town, visit museums, visit points of interest and, of course, socialize in every establishment that sells tongue-loosening adult libations. Then, Bailout – with Crone Cowgirl’s help – will write a book. Theme song tune: “Back in the Saddle Again.”

In answer to an alert reader’s question of motorcycles and aging, I’ve expanded last month’s column on Old Age in a Q & A manner.

Question: How does an antediluvian cowgirl achieve Adventure if she’s older than dirt?

Answer: She must improvise. When legs no longer have sufficient flexibility to allow mounting her horse without the assistance of a ladder or crane, her range-riding days are reduced to range-riding minutes.

When she looks in the mirror hoping to find peaches and cream complexion that she (dimly) recalls from long-ago youth, but what she sees are liver spots, blotches, and the beginnings of a mustache, she might sink into a wallow of gloom and disgust.

Escapades, exploits, quests, ventures, exciting activities, journeys, explorations – in other words adventure dangles out of reach in her over-the-hill years, especially as she begins picking up speed on the down-hill slopes.

Turns out she fails to identify with do-gooding activities. Turns out she doesn’t “socialize” at the local Senior Center where the excitement of the day is putting together a picture puzzle. Turns out she doesn’t watch T.V. Turns out she thinks most movies are merely excuses for pornography. Turns out she doesn’t worry about “Health Care” either since she’ll no doubt be in her crypt before she’s due to receive any “benefits.”

Repeat of opening Question: What does a crone-ager do for adventure in her “golden years”?

Answer: Buys a motorcycle and goes on a road trip.

Comment: Say whuuut???!

Explanation: For quite a spell she’s pondered the idea of motorcycle trips … but with reflexes and strength on the wane, the question becomes: How would she handle the cycle if it fell over? Like a dead dinosaur, it would have to remain where it fell because she wouldn’t have the muscle power to pick it up.

Explanation: She purchased a Vespa Motorcycle with a Sidecar. Which means the outfit can’t fall over. And it only goes about 55 top speed, so the danger of speeding to excess is nil.

Question: Will she have a companion person ride in the sidecar? If so, will this be an Old Cowboy with whom she can establish a friendly and beneficial relationship?

Answer: Bailout the Dog will be passenger in the sidecar. In contrast to Old Cowboy, Bailout the Dog seldom argues, loves to ride, is cheap to feed, never criticizes the driver, works for free and comes when called.

Question: And what about bad weather and mosquitoes?

Answer: Rain slicker, wind-proof jacket and extra-large goggles to keep skeeters from stabbing the eyeballs. (To avoid bugs on her teeth, she will learn to keep the lips closed while riding.)

Question: Where is she going to ride on this adventure?

Answer: In Montana, there’s an east-west State Hiway that ribbons along the northern edge of the state. The road is referred to as “The Hi-Line” since it parallels the border between USA and Canada. She and Bailout plan to travel along the Hi-Line from Malta to Wolf Point.

Question: So what’s the point of the whole plan?

Answer: At each small town she will chat with folks about the history of their town, visit museums, visit points of interest and, of course, socialize in every establishment that sells tongue-loosening adult libations. Then, Bailout – with Crone Cowgirl’s help – will write a book. Theme song tune: “Back in the Saddle Again.”