In a Sow’s Ear 5-17-10
May 18, 2010
Most everyone knows that “horse’s patoot” is an euphemism for a different set of seriously uncouth words. “The Art of Being a Horse’s Patoot” is a collection of personal interviews with actual Horses’ Patoots. It’s part testimonial and part teaching manual should you wish to learn or hone your own Horse’s Patoot skills. The following is an incomplete list of Patoot types and techniques. Apply what you learn with discretion. There will not be a call-back.
• The “Cornering” Horse’s Patoot: My specialty? I can state categorically that I’m tops at backing someone into a corner – conversationally speaking. Although Cornering is a skill that can be taught, I happen to have an innate talent for trapping an individual at events, parties, gatherings and yakking non-stop till the person goes numb, glassy-eyed and in some cases, passes out. I approach an individual, smile and begin talking 19 to the dozen. No stops, pauses, or silences. My motto: I Chatter On.
• The “Consulting” Horse’s Patoot: (not gender specific) For a fee, I advise others how to be happier than I am. I can mush-mouth the latest politically correct behavior, language and attitudes and force them on you, your business and your community to the point of absurdity. My motto: Have b.s, brief case and will travel.
• “Downer” Horse’s Patoot: I never utter any positive words – ever. I can’t go out if it’s raining as I’d d get wet, catch cold which would turn into pneumonia. Sunshine is bad. My eyes are weak and the sun rays will cause cancer. I buy lottery tickets so I can say I never win. I am never happy; I have anxieties. My motto: All Is Hopeless.
• “Smarmy” Horse’s Patoot: I specialize in gushing and lying. I flatter and fawn on everyone I meet, especially if they have wealth, prestige or real estate. My motto: I Want What You Have.
• “Syrupy” Horse’s Patoot: (Akin to Smarmy). Come to me with your trials, your catastrophes and any odd ailment. I will sympathize with sorrowful facial expressions and utter sugared words of condolence. My motto: Awwwww.
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• “Micro-control” Horse’s Patoot: I specialize in manipulating others from behind the scenes. I pride myself on knowing what is most advantageous for any person or task at all times. I know what is best for the community, the town, the state, the nation and outer space. I do not eat meat. My motto: Control By ME Is Good For You.
• “Big Mouth” Horse’s Patoot: (Usually of the male persuasion and usually employed by radio or television as a talk-show host). I like to ingest the daily news and regurgitate it in new forms of slime. I am against all ideas proposed by anyone anywhere, regardless. I specialize in screeching, shrieking superlatives. My motto: I Love Me and I’m Way Smarter Than You.
• “Touchie-Feeley” Horse’s Patoot: I’m certain I’m warm and loving; that’s why I hold all conversations up close and personal. I love to place a hand on your shoulder, stroke down your arm, hug you at random moments and breathe in your face. My motto: My Hands Roam For You.
• “Interruptus” Horse’s Patoot: My specialty. I prevent anyone from finishing a sentence, a joke or announcing their names before I leap into the conversation. I frequently combine my Interruptus talent with Touchy-Feeley and Syrupy techniques. I’m often responsible for an upsurge in someone’s blood pressure. My motto: I Butt In.
Sorry, room does not permit a full listing of Horse’s Patoot types. Write to Horses’Patoots.com in care of Washington D.C., for additional information and guidelines.