In a Sow’s Ear |

In a Sow’s Ear

This subject is not news to anyone. I’m referring to the Silly, Sad, Sorry and Stupid ads, scams and cons flooding every marketing arena available. My computer offers me the opportunity to win a gazillion dollars merely for furnishing my life savings, credit card information and my first born to the name listed below…

Or my computer tells me that Mrs. Gajabeveelza Kizatlez has searched high and low and after much effort and soul-searching, she finally located me and wants to be my beneficiary. She is suffering from fallen arches, falling hair, and painful bunions, not to mention she’s lost her husband and her entire family ” all killed in an uprising. In spite of all, she has managed to squirrel away four zillion dollars and now, due to contracting a debilitating disease which will kill her in six weeks, she wants to give it all to me because she knows I am kind, caring and will spend her money wisely. All I have to do is send her my bank account.

Now, here’s my question: Who actually responds to these types of communiques?

I want to meet those people. Next I want to meet the individuals who perpetrate such messages. Then I want to take pictures of both groups. After that, I’d like to arrange to transport the whole bunch to a nice south sea island and turn ’em loose. Some folks are made for each other.

Still, some of the reprehensible rip-offs are not only highly entertaining, they’re a marvel of creative originality. For instance, I’ve been hearing radio blurbs coaxing the listener to Name A Star. “Give a gift of naming a star after your loved one.” The mellow radio voice claims the star will be “registered” and forever someone you care for will be able to claim a heavenly luminary as her/his namesake. Uh-huh. Does this mean that he/she will be able to point skyward and announce, “See, there’s mine, second from the left!”

I believe this entire idea could be applied to other entities and creatures. Name a friend, loved one or somebody you can’t stand after:

… a Dust Mote. Registered in the Under-the-Bed Directory of Motes. Chosen by housewives and a few bachelors.

… a Snow Flake. Registered in the Crystals of Winter Directory of Flakes. Many of the names found here also appear in the Name a Star Directory.

… a Horseapple. Registered in the Directory of Animal Dumplings. Popular with rodeo riders, clowns and bad joke tellers.

… an Anchovy. Registered in the Directory of Slimy Salty Fishy Things On Pizzas. Preferred by teen-agers.

… a June Bug. Registered in the Directory of Bang-on-the-Window Screens. Popular among women mad at their husbands.

… a Camel. Registered in the Directory of Alternative Transportation. Often seen carrying Arabs and visiting Female Politicians.

… a Parrot. Registered in the Directory of Political Palavering. Each bird repeats the word, “change” constantly.

… a Rattlesnake. Registered in the Directory of Slither Thou Goest. Popular with presidential candidates’ wives.

… a chicken. Registered in the Directory of Roosters R Us and Hens R Too. Choose from among several varieties including Leghorns, Bantams and Rhode Island Reds. Guineas and Muscovy Ducks, $10.00 extra.

… a cow. Registered in the International Directory of Four-Stomach Cud Chewers. Choose among Angus, Hereford, Holstein, Charolais, Belted Dutch and multiple other breeds. One of the most fashionable classifications. The name is etched on an orange ear-tag clipped to the designated bovine’s ear. Your loved one can visit his/her namesake in the pasture; perhaps exchange photos.

Should you wish to have names registered with any of the above choices, merely send me $39.99. Cash preferred.


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