In a Sow’s Ear
Big Timber, Mont.
‘Twas the middle of calving and the weather was raw,
All the bovines were birthing,
and that’s when Gladys saw
A snorty old momma with a bent twisted horn
was a-startin’ to get her new offspring born.
Gladys watched from the window
in the kitchen as the cow started
thrashing and her tail started twitchin’
And then in a heartbeat, out popped a calf;
Gladys smiled at the sight
and gave a little laugh.
As the old momma cow got up
and began licking from the head to the tail,
the calf began kicking.
The new baby lay at the edge of the creek
Where ice had been forming for over a week.
The momma she licked on that calf
so durned hard it slid off the creek bank
and skidded a yard onto the ice
and what happened next?
That poor little calf must have been hexed.
It plunged through the ice
and sank out of sight,
And Gladys in the kitchen
stared out with fright.
Swifter than swift, Gladys yanked on a coat
Raced to the creek and slid down the slope.
She stuck both her arms in the freezing cold
Grabbed that calf and kept a tight hold.
She dragged him upslope
and she laid him down
In front of his momma there on the ground.
“Lick him off quickly,”
Gladys said to the cow,
“I gotta get out of these wet clothes right now!”
And Gladys she turned
and stumbled toward home,
She was frozen to her core,
she was chilled to the bone.
But she’d done a good deed;
the calf wasn’t harmed,
Then a bellow behind her
made her cringe with alarm.
That snorty old momma
had murder on her brain,
Her eyeballs were rolling,
she was slobberin’ insane!
The bellerin’ bovine caught
Gladys in the rump
And sent her airborne
and she landed with a thump!
(Later Gladys measured from
the prints in the mud
She’d soared eight feet
before she fell with a thud)
She banged up her face
on frozen cow pies,
And lay there and prayed,
afraid she would die.
That crazy old cow
she started in stomping
On Gladys’s spine ” up and down
she went romping!
Gladys she yelled, she cussed, she screeched,
Her throat tightened up
as high notes she reached.
Finally the critter turned back to her calf
Leaving Gladys in the mud
flat on her bottom half.
She got to her feet
and hobbled back home,
She was muddy and bloody
and couldn’t help groan.
Her face was scraped raw,
her back was all bruised,
She was definitely feeling
downright ill-used.
And there in the kitchen,
oh heavens above,
Stood the man she had chosen
over others to love.
Gladys sank to a chair
and began her sad tale
And asked her dear hubby,
“Didn’t you hear me wail?”
He grinned, “Yeah, but
a heifer was in trouble,
And I saw you get up
and run off on the double.”
“So I figured you’d heal up
and I’m proud of your pluck,
But now don’t cha think
you should scrub off that muck?
Now Gladys was tired,
she was filthy and smelly,
She had cow-posy goo
on her face and her belly.
There’s times when husbands
should not make a jest
When a wife has been out there
a-doin’ her best.
For Gladys rose up,
a wicked gleam in her eye,
And smeared her dear hubby
with cow-posy pie.
Then she stood on her toes
so she wouldn’t miss
And gave him a smacker
right on his lips.
Then out the door she went
and up the stairs she climbed;
In a warm bubble bath,
she meant to recline.
And hubby heard her exclaim
as she rose out of sight,
“Happy calving to you,
to the cows, and Good Night!”
Italian Green Bean Salad
1-1/2 pounds fresh green beans, trimmed
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