In a Sow’s Ear 6-15-09
This is not a sad column, but it might be characterized as sarcastic, caustic and cuss-ed. It’s not X-rated (after a certain age, nothing is X-rated), so it’s safe to read as long as your bifocals can focus.
The subject? Geriatrics or: Decay, Decrepitude and General Disrepair. Most articles, essays and books which strive to enlighten the masses on the subject of aging are highly entertaining if you read them with tongue tucked firmly in cheek. Particularly chuckle-arousing are those found in assorted “senior” publications which aim to convince you that dotage and doddering won’t happen to you.
No matter where one lives or what one does, no matter how many times one goes under the surgeon’s knife to craft a wrinkle-free, non-sag new face, regardless of the size and number of silicone implants one pads onto oneself, despite ingesting truck loads of vitamin pills – as the song says, “you’re still gonna die.”
You’re gonna croak. You will become deceased. You will pass on. You will go to meet your maker. You will breathe your last. You will give up the ghost. You will cross over the River Styx. You will kick the bucket. You will depart this life. You will expire. You will turn up your toes. You will hit the end of the trail. You will go over the hill. You will perish. You will be a gonner. You will be a stiff. You will depart this earthly coil. The grim reaper’s gonna get you. The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
But! Before your light bulb goes out, you can enjoy the myth of the “Golden Years” as represented in bazillions of articles in books, newspapers and magazines. These chirpy-cheerful writings explain the delights of the downhill slope of life. Letters to the editors welcome.
Twaddle Times: A daily rag recommending Yoga and belly bumps to keep your waistline at 22 inches. And Tai-chi to keep your head attached.
Codpiece Chronicle: A glossy health magazine counseling broke down rodeo riders, codger cowpokes and ranchers, crippled up football players and near-sighted computer geeks.
Fogey Fashion Follies: A quarterly publication advertising Classy Clothing for Crones and Curmudgeons. How to be attractive while wearing Depends and Support Hose.
Flibbertigibbet Bulletin: A yearly paperback journal listing national and regional Assisted Living Homes. Weekly bingo.
Freeloading for the Messes: A periodical detailing gourmet menus found in Senior Citizen Center dining rooms. Gruel optional.
The Daily Psalm-Singing Argus: Free Old-time gospel hymns, 20th century show tunes and bawdy bathroom parodies printed in extra large type.
Daily Doggerel: A collection of drivel verses derived from “golden years” television ads. On cassettes.
Tipover Tribune: A national listing of casket makers. Includes toll-free 800 numbers.
Toe Fungus Clarion: A catalog of ointments for parasitic conditions. None work.
Toupee Trumpeter: Alternative methods of hiding baldness.
Gall Bladder Post: Weekly news from the operating room.
Cemetery Enterprise catalog: Styles and types of headstones with color photos.
Old Age Pretty Much Sucks Encyclopedia: A 450-page volume of “old age” jokes.
Final Opinion Gazette: If older is better, you and I must be approaching magnificent!
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