In a Sow’s Ear 7-20-09
Dredging through old files, I came across a booklet my fevered brain created over a dozen years ago. Titled, Sidekick Savvy, it’s a collection of tongue-in-cheek wisdom from the country woman’s perspective. Divided into Man Stuff, Woman Stuff, General Stuff and More Stuff, the savvy sayings remain spot on true. Here’s a sampling:
Question: What do cowboys find rewarding?
Answer: An eight-second spine-jarring ride on a wild-eyed bronc in a rodeo arena, especially if it results in bodily damage and applause.
Question: Does a country man know the meaning of the word, “taciturn?”
Answer: He won’t say.
Question: What happens to a country man immediately after he carries his beloved across the threshold on his wedding day?
Answer: That’s the last thing he ever again carries while inside the house.
Question: Which half of the human race considers calf gonads a delicacy?
Answer: Need you ask?
Question: How could the country man strengthen his character when he and the wife are out in sub-zero weather flaking hay to the cattle off the back of a pickup?
Answer: Let the wife drive.
Question: What should a country woman do with a ranch man’s underwear after he’s spent a long day in the saddle?
Answer: Burn it.
Question: Why does a country woman sometimes compare her spouse to a dog?
Answer: Both growl if they think someone is bothering the pickup.
Question: Why is the country woman glad when Avon Lady calls?
Answer: Avon Lady sells bright red lipstick, and the country woman has lost the marker she’s been using on baby pigs and lambs.
Question: What does the country woman do with the baby’s playpen?
Answer: Sets it near the heater stove and puts bum lambs or piglets in it.
Question: What does a country woman get to do on branding day?
Answer: Keep the tally straight and cook up a storm for 30 or 40 worthless friends of her husband’s.
Question: In the country, what is the solution to most any problem?
Answer: Get up an hour earlier.
Question: What is the most lucrative medical practice in a rural community?
Question: What do radical anti-agriculture groups have in common with parasites?
Answer: Eventually, they destroy their hosts.
Question: What can the country livestock producer count on?
Answer: High prices until it’s his time to ship.
Question: What is a windmill?
Answer: A tall tower with whirling arms that pumps well water, but stops dead just as the cattle come to drink.
Question: What comes in a green can and is called hand lotion on the farm or ranch?
Answer: Bag Balm.
Question: How does a rancher/farmer keep coyotes and wolves healthy?
Answer: Raises more sheep, cows and goats.
Question: What is the most valuable animal on the ranch?
Answer: Jethro, the gelding who never moves a muscle when kids crawl all over him.
Question: What bivalve seldom grows a pearl?
Answer: Mountain oyster.
Question: What will vegetarians someday feel silly about?
Answer: Lying in a hospital bed dying of nothing.
A Country Woman’s Credo
“The Stuff of Life is Everywhere.”
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