In a Sow’s Ear 7-20-09 | TheFencePost.com
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In a Sow’s Ear 7-20-09

Dredging through old files, I came across a booklet my fevered brain created over a dozen years ago. Titled, Sidekick Savvy, it’s a collection of tongue-in-cheek wisdom from the country woman’s perspective. Divided into Man Stuff, Woman Stuff, General Stuff and More Stuff, the savvy sayings remain spot on true. Here’s a sampling:

Man Stuff

Question: What do cowboys find rewarding?

Answer: An eight-second spine-jarring ride on a wild-eyed bronc in a rodeo arena, especially if it results in bodily damage and applause.

Question: Does a country man know the meaning of the word, “taciturn?”

Answer: He won’t say.

Question: What happens to a country man immediately after he carries his beloved across the threshold on his wedding day?

Answer: That’s the last thing he ever again carries while inside the house.

Question: Which half of the human race considers calf gonads a delicacy?

Answer: Need you ask?

Question: How could the country man strengthen his character when he and the wife are out in sub-zero weather flaking hay to the cattle off the back of a pickup?

Answer: Let the wife drive.

Woman Stuff

Question: What should a country woman do with a ranch man’s underwear after he’s spent a long day in the saddle?

Answer: Burn it.

Question: Why does a country woman sometimes compare her spouse to a dog?

Answer: Both growl if they think someone is bothering the pickup.

Question: Why is the country woman glad when Avon Lady calls?

Answer: Avon Lady sells bright red lipstick, and the country woman has lost the marker she’s been using on baby pigs and lambs.

Question: What does the country woman do with the baby’s playpen?

Answer: Sets it near the heater stove and puts bum lambs or piglets in it.

Question: What does a country woman get to do on branding day?

Answer: Keep the tally straight and cook up a storm for 30 or 40 worthless friends of her husband’s.

General Stuff

Question: In the country, what is the solution to most any problem?

Answer: Get up an hour earlier.

Question: What is the most lucrative medical practice in a rural community?

Answer: Chiropractor.

Question: What do radical anti-agriculture groups have in common with parasites?

Answer: Eventually, they destroy their hosts.

Question: What can the country livestock producer count on?

Answer: High prices until it’s his time to ship.

Question: What is a windmill?

Answer: A tall tower with whirling arms that pumps well water, but stops dead just as the cattle come to drink.

More Stuff

Question: What comes in a green can and is called hand lotion on the farm or ranch?

Answer: Bag Balm.

Question: How does a rancher/farmer keep coyotes and wolves healthy?

Answer: Raises more sheep, cows and goats.

Question: What is the most valuable animal on the ranch?

Answer: Jethro, the gelding who never moves a muscle when kids crawl all over him.

Question: What bivalve seldom grows a pearl?

Answer: Mountain oyster.

Question: What will vegetarians someday feel silly about?

Answer: Lying in a hospital bed dying of nothing.

A Country Woman’s Credo

“The Stuff of Life is Everywhere.”


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