In a Sow’s Ear 8-31-09
Sad it is that cowboys, cowgirls, sheepmen, hog growers and other livestock producers have been mostly overlooked in the realm of printed catchphrases on T-shirts. TSD (T-shirt deprivation) has caused damage to rural psyches.
Seems that these days wearing a T-shirt bearing a slogan, a jingle, a watchword, a motto, or a silly saying is a fashion statement. Not to mention a way of announcing one’s prejudices, preferences and peculiar mentality. Which makes one wonder what pithy testimonials a cowboy might concoct.
A working waddie wears long-sleeved shirts to protect against sun, haybale itches, barbed wire piercing, horse bites and various forms of slobber, offal and excrement bestowed freely by critters. Tee’s are considered undershirts.
Question: What’s a cowpoke to do should he want to express himself through word art on his clothing? Cowpuncher Duke Dugan has the answer. He’s created a small business of signage for cowboys. He prints cowboy axioms on squares of plastic to be pinned to the backs of shirts – in the manner of rodeo riders and ropers.
• I’m a cowboy, I don’t jog.
• I’m a cowboy, I whisper to horses.
• I’m a muleskinner, I mutter to mules
• I’m a swine man, I palaver to pigs
• I’m a goat grower, I grouse to goats
• I’m a sheepman, I elucidate to ewes.
• It’s my ranch, not your recreation destination.
• My Indian name is: Runs Over Vegetarians.
• Entering cowboy cave. (Sign above bunkhouse door).
• Born to ride – forced to fence.
• Cowboy with horse looking for dream cowgirl.
• Cowgirl with horse looking for dream cowboy.
• Don’t ask the size of my spread.
• Fencing is not an Olympic sport.
• Shut the gates, dummy.
• I’m a cattle baron – and you are?
• Hey dude, don’t drive on my hayfields.
• Hey, dude, don’t ask fool questions.
• You with the droopy drawers, pull ’em up. You look stupid … Come to think of it, you are stupid.
• Take a running start and I’ll demonstrate roping a fool.
• You paid how much for those pre-ripped, pre-torn jeans?
• If I honk my saddlehorn, will you get out of my way?
• I’m an alpha cowboy.
• If you’re new to the country, keep your mouth shut for at least two years.
• My ranch, my rules.
These are but a few of the pithy, prosy, pompous platitudes that Duke Dugan markets for $2.95 each plus shipping and handling. Each deathless dictum is packaged in a zip-lock baggie and includes four safety pins.
If not entirely satisfied, your money will not be refunded.