In a Sow’s Ear 8-31-09 |

In a Sow’s Ear 8-31-09

Sad it is that cowboys, cowgirls, sheepmen, hog growers and other livestock producers have been mostly overlooked in the realm of printed catchphrases on T-shirts. TSD (T-shirt deprivation) has caused damage to rural psyches.

Seems that these days wearing a T-shirt bearing a slogan, a jingle, a watchword, a motto, or a silly saying is a fashion statement. Not to mention a way of announcing one’s prejudices, preferences and peculiar mentality. Which makes one wonder what pithy testimonials a cowboy might concoct.

A working waddie wears long-sleeved shirts to protect against sun, haybale itches, barbed wire piercing, horse bites and various forms of slobber, offal and excrement bestowed freely by critters. Tee’s are considered undershirts.

Question: What’s a cowpoke to do should he want to express himself through word art on his clothing? Cowpuncher Duke Dugan has the answer. He’s created a small business of signage for cowboys. He prints cowboy axioms on squares of plastic to be pinned to the backs of shirts – in the manner of rodeo riders and ropers.

• I’m a cowboy, I don’t jog.

• I’m a cowboy, I whisper to horses.

• I’m a muleskinner, I mutter to mules

• I’m a swine man, I palaver to pigs

• I’m a goat grower, I grouse to goats

• I’m a sheepman, I elucidate to ewes.

• It’s my ranch, not your recreation destination.

• My Indian name is: Runs Over Vegetarians.

• Entering cowboy cave. (Sign above bunkhouse door).

• Born to ride – forced to fence.

• Cowboy with horse looking for dream cowgirl.

• Cowgirl with horse looking for dream cowboy.

• Don’t ask the size of my spread.

• Fencing is not an Olympic sport.

• Shut the gates, dummy.

• I’m a cattle baron – and you are?

• Hey dude, don’t drive on my hayfields.

• Hey, dude, don’t ask fool questions.

• You with the droopy drawers, pull ’em up. You look stupid … Come to think of it, you are stupid.

• Take a running start and I’ll demonstrate roping a fool.

• You paid how much for those pre-ripped, pre-torn jeans?

• If I honk my saddlehorn, will you get out of my way?

• I’m an alpha cowboy.

• If you’re new to the country, keep your mouth shut for at least two years.

• My ranch, my rules.

These are but a few of the pithy, prosy, pompous platitudes that Duke Dugan markets for $2.95 each plus shipping and handling. Each deathless dictum is packaged in a zip-lock baggie and includes four safety pins.

If not entirely satisfied, your money will not be refunded.

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