In a Sow’s Ear
What happens in the country when it’s the end of spring and beginning of summer?
Besides disking, harrowing, seeding, irrigating, branding, vaccinating and fence-fixing? Why, bull sales of course. Herefords, Angus, Charolais, Baldies and Exotics of all kinds are offered for sale. Flyers, posters, booklets, newspaper and radio ads hype the superior qualities and superlative pedigrees of bovines of the bull persuasion. The critters’ outstanding inherited attributes are listed clear back to First Bull and First Cow with BW (Birth Weight), WW (weaning weight) and EPD (Expected Progeny Difference).
End of spring and beginning of summer brings another phenomenon: Cowboy Chasing. From the cities they come, nubile women searching for a handsome hunk cowboy to make their own. It’s been ever thus. Like heifers in heat sniffing around the bulls, the gals hope to attract the attention of the cowboys. Can’t blame them. What’s yummier than a fellow who can ride, rope, repair machinery, lift heavy objects and fix things? Especially if he looks good in jeans.
But often the lasses ” be they young or past their prime ” are poor judges of quality cowboys. However, help is at hand. An old cowgirl, Galloping Gertrude, has rounded up a herd of prime punchers. She’s offering them for sale at The Hunkerin’ Hunks Ranch next Thursday.
Here are a few of the listings in the Hunkerin’ Hunks sale book:
Horse Trailer out of Ford Pickup and Miss Easy Keeper. This cowboy is a really dependable buckaroo. Married five times, all 23 of his progeny have an average birth weight of 14 pounds. Still active and looking for the heifer of his dreams. Disposition: Playful.
Supreme Pedro out of Super Sam and Senorita Miss. This cowboy champ has terrific conformation. He’s long and straight with great hips. He should produce big growthy male progeny as well as truly fancy females if mated with the right heifer. Disposition: Laid back.
Bronco Brown out of Buster Brown and Miss Wren. This is a moderate-frame cowboy with great conformation. Should sire above average progeny. Disposition kindly.
Turkish Rug out of Sheik of Araby and Miss Belly Dancer. This is a tremendous growth cowboy with a lot of size, bone and volume. Will undoubtedly pass on high Birth Weight trait. Expected Progeny Difference will be 10 times that of lesser buckaroos. Walks like John Wayne. Disposition: Sometimes brash, but well-intentioned.
Magic Mike out of Mister Magician and Miss Tutu. This is an outstanding offering of the compleat cowboy. What he can’t fix, he makes disappear. Conformation: Slim, but with good bone and depth of brisket. Matched with a heifer of equal breeding, will sire excellent offspring. Disposition: winsome.
Marine’s Hymn out of Army Buddy and Miss WAC: This is a sturdy, dependable waddie with well-muscled conformation. Reached his majority a month ago. Ready to go to work to produce progeny of superior quality. Disposition: Puzzled, but likes children.
Shiner out of Sunspot and Miss Lunar Night: No gal could go wrong with this handsome hunk as a sire. Has been used by the famous Sheephook Cattle Company receiving praise for his services. Plays guitar. Likes to dance. So far all his progeny have been cute and well-proportioned. Disposition: Willing.
For a complete catalog of all the cowboy hunks (photos included) in the Hunkerin’ Hunks sale, send self-addressed stamped envelope to Galloping Gertrude, Hunkerin’ Hunks Ranch, Sheep Dip, Mont. Delivery of cowboys guaranteed within five business days by standard transport. Three days by UPS. Twenty-four hours by special messenger. Every cowboy hunk guaranteed ready to perform. Store at room temperature. All sales final.
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I remember my dad saying, “Those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it.” But before we get to the history lesson, consider this: