In a Sow’s Ear
April 18, 2006
Cowpoet Babe Dolls finally available! Like Barbie Dolls, Cowpoet Babe Dolls come with complementary outfits, assorted hair colors and Buckaroo Bob, handsome cowpoke friend or husband.
Belle of the Bawl Cowpoet Babe Doll: This modern day Cowpoet Babe doll comes with matching diamond rings on all fingers, a Mercedes SUV, and leather-tooled Gucci handbag with fringe. She has a master’s degree in music and voice. Husband Buckaroo Bob lives only to please Belle of the Bawl, she claims. However he often “works late,” sometimes not arriving home till after 4 a.m. She’s available at Wal-mart, most Espresso Emporiums, and any Cowboy Poetry Gathering or Cowboy Songs Fest.
Smokeless Cowpoet Babe Doll: This princess Cowpoet Babe doll is only sold in the Buffalo Bill Historical Center gift shop. She comes with an assortment of flashy “Western” bandanas, a “Western” hat with an 8-inch brim and a 10-inch crown. She drives a BMW and sings off key. Workaholic husband, Buckaroo Bob, comes with a Porsche pickup.
Jam Session Cowpoet Babe Doll: This model comes garbed in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, and a homemade vest cut from an unshorn sheephide. Husband, Buckaroo Bob, wears a matching sheephide. Both have limp, lank floppy hair. Buckaroo Bob sports a swatch of facial hair that appears to be crawling above his upper lip like a free-range caterpillar. The Jam Session Cowpoet Babe and Buckaroo Bob dolls strongly resemble an unidentified endangered specie. Comes with Cowpoet Babe double-wide covered wagon. Available at IGA and Albertson’s supermarkets in the Vegetarian Foods department.
Microphone Cowpoet Babe Doll: Made from recycled guitars and discarded microphone stands. Comes with long or short hair with highlights. Plays untuned guitar and sings louder than a cow-elk in heat, but less melodious. Tells tasteless jokes. Husband, Buckaroo Bob, comes with his own ’82 Caddy with detailing design on the doors depicting raised middle fingers. Microphone Cowpoet Babe doll available at Ally Oop’s Second Hand Store.
Tall Boots Cowpoet Babe Doll: This doll can be easily converted from Cowpoet Babe to Buckaroo Bob by simply adding or removing Velcro stick-on parts. Wears jeans tucked inside orange, yellow and green patterned boot tops that extend to just below the kneecaps. Uses smokeless tobacco. Carries spit can made of discarded Copenhagen container, its leather-tooled lid bearing the brand, 2 Spit. Does not sing, but hums harmony. Comes with Mustang convertible and a handicap sticker. Available at Army-Navy Surplus Stores.
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Volunteer Cowpoet Babe Doll: Does not recite poetry; does not sing; does not play guitar. Just hangs out in Green Room eating and drinking free cookies and coffee. Buckaroo Bob carries her guitar, which has no strings. Comes with her own Harley-Davidson Hog. Volunteer Cowpoet Babe dolls usually found in pawn shops or at sheriff’s office in the evidence room.
Banjo Pickin’ Cowpoet Babe Doll: Recently paroled, she comes with her own handgun. Wears a Dolly Parton wig over her shaved head; wears glossy black lipstick, purple cowboy hat; has fake fingernails. Only knows one tune: “Itsy Bitsy Spider.” Comes with a ’71 Ford pickup with mismatched dented doors. Is married to Beer-Gut Bob, Buckaroo Bob’s brother. Available at most 7-11’s.
Fiddlin’ Cowpoet Babe Doll: Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, breast augmentation, silicone or Botox implants. Plays Orange Blossom Special with either hand. Has strange friends. Buckaroo Bob drives her to gigs on John Deere tractor. May be ordered from Sears catalog.