It’s the Pitts |

It’s the Pitts

It’s come to my attention that men are being discriminated against. This dawned on me recently when my wife left me for one entire evening to attend a baby shower. What wild and degenerate behavior goes on at these things I haven’t a clue but during the time my wife was gone I had to make my own dinner, change my own channels and entertain my own self. I felt victimized that I wasn’t invited to the shower too.

Why is it that women can join the Army and the Rotary Club but, to the best of my knowledge, no man has ever attended a wedding or baby shower? It’s sexist and shameful and I say this discrimination has got to stop right now! When it comes to babies women should not get to have all the fun. They get to experience the joys of menstrual cramps, midnight feedings and postpartum blues but all men get to do is give away the occasional cigar. And then you ladies have the gall to call us “male chauvinist pigs!” When’s the last time you invited any of us to a baby shower?

I suppose it’s OK for ladies to have their “women only” bridal showers because men do get to have bachelor parties. Although I’ve yet to attend one where we got to play games and have party favors “showered” upon us. The only showers that men know anything about involve either soap or a rain gauge. It’s no longer socially acceptable that women deny men the opportunity to share in the entire baby experience. And, no ladies, I do not mean walking around with a beer belly, looking like we could give birth at any minute. It’s not the same thing and you know it.

From now on I think men ought to get together and give each other baby showers like the women do. This means we’d all get to drink punch, eat cake and make fools of ourselves too. Because women are so secretive about what they do at showers we’ll have to make up our own games to play. I’ve come up with a few that should be a lot of fun, especially after we’ve all had a round or two of “punch.”

In the first game a diaper, baby bottle, pacifier, Q Tips and baby rattle will be placed on a table. The first man to correctly identify a single object and say what it’s for will receive either something from the table or a brand new shotgun for shooting the stork if it ever comes around again. If no one is able to identify any of the objects we’d go to the tiebreaker which would be a “Diaper the Dog” contest. Lacking a real baby, the winner would be the man who diapers a Border Collie the fastest.

I can think of all sorts of games we could play. We could all measure our girth to see who looks the most pregnant. Or we could have a “Guess the Father of the New Baby Contest.” Can’t you just imagine an “Empty the Bottle” contest in which grown men suck bottles of beer through baby nipples? This would be followed by a “Burp the Big Baby” contest, a team sport where one grown man would grasp another man in his arms and burp him on his back. Prizes would be awarded for longest burp, loudest burp and the most creative.

Prizes could also be given for diaper sniffing, bobbing for doll babies in a barrel of beer, a baby food eating contest where one cowboy would force-feed another strained spinach, and a lullaby singing contest in which the winner would be the one who could sing an entire lullaby without any curse words in it. Of course, what’s a baby shower without a little gambling so we’d also have a football-like pool for guessing the date of birth. There’d also be an over-and-under on the child’s weight.

If you are invited to one of these all male showers DON’T give the expectant father a stroller, breast pump or layette (whatever that is), but instead give him something that he might actually use. Like a high pressure hose for bathing the baby, a big screen TV and noise deadening headphones so the husband is not stirred from his slumber when his wife gets up to feed and change the little nipper.

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