Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-11-10 | TheFencePost.com
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Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-11-10

I had a crazy and insulting thing happen to me during the recent snowstorm. I wuz out in the driveway at Damphewmore Acres blading snow with my little run down tractor when this citified lady in a fancy car drove by on the road and screeched to a halt.

She pushed the button and rolled down the electric window of her Cadillac Escalade and inquired in a condescending tone, “Are you the person who always does the snow here?”

I replied, “Well, I guess you could say that, ma’am.”

Then she asked, “Well, in that case, would you be interested in coming in to town to get the snow from my driveway if I gave you the same business deal that you get here, plus a nice tip?”

That’s when my fun started. I said eagerly, “I sure would, ma’am. My deal here is that I don’t get paid anything for handling the snow, but I do get to sleep with the lady of the house on a nightly basis.”

That’s when she harrumphed, flicked the switch on her Caddy windows, and drove off in an angry huff. 

I tell you one thing, if she stayed that hot under the collar after she got home, she could have melted the snow in her driveway.

***

Good gosh it’s been cold. The other night it got so cold at Damphewmore Acres that it froze the smoke coming out of the chimney and I got up in the morning to find a frozen “smokestack” on top of my house. 

It also froze the ice on the pond so deep that I had to teach my cattle and horses to drink from a straw in order for them to drink from the hole I cut in the ice. 

Also, on the bad news side of the cold weather, the ice built up in the tire well of my pickup truck so bad that I had to try to chip it out with an ice pick. However, my hand slipped and I poked a hole in my best retreaded tire.  

Another strange thing that I found at my place wuz a bunch of bird skeletons perched in place in the cedar trees in my windbreak. My best guess is that they were frozen to the perch during our first ice storm of the season and the ice never thawed and let them loose.

***

I’ve got a sheep shearing friend up in Iowa, ol’ Nick DeHyde, who called the other morning to report that the actual temperature in Boone, Iowa, wuz 23 below zero. 

Then he told me he wuz going to shear sheep that day and I told him that the ASPCA and PETA would both be after him for shearing the warm coats off those sheep on a frigid day like that.

He replied, “They’ll have to find me first and I doubt any of them do-gooders get out from behind their warm desks on days like today.”

He’s probably right.

***

I inadvertently made my county agent, ol’ Avery Ware, mad at me the other morning. I gave him a call at 5 a.m. to asked him whether it would be harmful to ol’ Nevah’s songbirds if I fed them some moldy corn and sorghum. He said, “Milo, what in the heck are you calling me at 5 in the morning to ask that stupid question? You woke me up from a deep sleep and a peaceful dream.”

I replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to do that. I figgered you must be an early riser becuz I hear you every once in a while at 5:15 in the morning on the local radio.” 

My ear is still ringing from the clank of his receiver.

***

An agribusiness salesman friend of mine, ol’ Phil N. DeBlanc, told me recently he was flying over Arizona on a clear day on his way to a trade show in Phoenix.

The copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary over the PA system about landmarks they were passing.

Phil reports the co-pilot said, “Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

That’s when the New York City lady sitting next to Phil looked out the window and exclaimed: “Wow, look! It just missed the highway!”

***

I guess you probably don’t want this column to be any longer so that you can use the paper to stoke your potbellied stove. So, I’ll quit for the week with these words of wisdom from Henry Ford, founder of Ford Motor Company: “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”

Have a good ‘un.


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