Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-18-10 | TheFencePost.com

Laugh Tracks in the Dust 1-18-10

Dang it! Global warming is getting to me!

Not!

My question is – where is global warming when you need it most? Like on a day like today with temperatures near zero and a 25-mph wind scouring the landscape and depositing all the new snow in the road ditches and other places where it won’t do any good when it melts?

I’m sure everyone within reading distance is already tired of this cold, wintry weather – and winter’s barely gotten started. I pity the ranchers who planned to calve their cows in January this year. It’s bad enuf just to have to feed the critters and chop ice in this weather, let alone nursemaid a bunch of half-frozen newborn calves.

My good buddy, ol’ Rollin Birdz, says he’s already ready for spring. I told him he might as well settle down and try to find a way to enjoy the rest of the winter. It’s shaping up to be a long, cold stretch of weather. Hope I’m wrong!

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I heard about an old farmer who walked into the local federal building and asked the receptionist, “Is this the local headquarters for the federal war on poverty?”

The eager young receptionist replied, “Yes, sir, it is! May I help you?”

The old farmer slumped a bit and replied, “Well, go tell whoever is in charge of that war that I’m here to give myself up as an unarmed combatant!”

***

A farmer from Hastings, Neb., went to his local barber for a haircut. Now this barber wuz well-known locally for always having a negative attitude about everything.

When the farmer happened to mention that he and his wife were leaving in a few days for a long-anticipated vacation to Rome, Italy, the barber immediately began to berate the trip.

The barber said, “Rome is an ugly old dirty town. The people are unfriendly. The prices on everything are sky high. What on earth would you want to waste a vacation in Rome?”

The farmer replied, “Well, we mainly want to see the Vatican, St. Peter’s Cathedral and see the Pope!”

The barber continued, “Why, all you’ll get to see of the Pope is a speck on the balcony you’ll be so far away in the crowd.”

“That may be,” the farmer answered, “But I’m going to try to get a private audience with the Pope.”

“That’s a fool’s dream,” the barber said. “It’ll never happen.”

Well, a few weeks later after his vacation wuz over, the farmer returned for another haircut. First thing the barber said wuz, “Bet you didn’t have a good time in Rome and bet you didn’t see the Pope.”

“Wrong on both counts,” the farmer said. “Rome and the Vatican is a lovely place with friendly people. We even got a private audience with the Pope like I hoped.”

“No way!” the barber exclaimed. “Are you kidding me? How’d that happen?”

The Nebraskan replied, “We were standing up front in the crowd in St. Peter’s Square when the Pope spoke. When the speech wuz over, two of the Swiss Guards pushed through the crowd and told me to follow them – the Pope wanted to see me. We went straight to the Pope’s private residence. When I entered, I showed my respect and said, ‘You wanted to see me, Holy Father?'”

The Pope said, “I spotted you immediately in the crowd from my balcony. Now may I ask you a personal question?”

“Certainly, your Holiness,” I replied.

“That’s when the Pope asked his question.”

“Well, what was the question?” the barber pressed on, impatiently.

“He wanted to know where I got such a lousy haircut,” the farmer answered with a big ol’ “gotcha” grin on his face.

***

A lad who grew up on a poor upland farm, ol’ Maken Bucks, amassed a goodly fortune in commodity speculation after his graduation in ag economics from his state’s land grant university.

He knew his hard-working parents were struggling to make ends meet back on the farm, but he knew they were too proud to accept help from him. He wuz also very careful not to openly display his wealth and took great care never to risk offending his parents with expensive gifts.

But, then on his father’s birthday, Maken got an idea. He bought good ol’ Dad an $800 fancy black, high-fashion leather jacket. But, so as not to offend his father, he took off the $800 price tag and replaced it with an $80 tag. He shipped it direct to his father.

A few days later, he got a cell phone call from his father. His father said, “Thanks a bunch for that fine jacket, son. Now, I’d like for you to buy another 10 just like it for me at $80 each. The reason is that I wore your thoughtful gift to the sale barn last week and an order buyer bought mine right off my back for $200. I think I can sell the whole batch for a nice profit.”

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So’s I won’t offend you, I’ll close with these patriotic words from former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: “We are at war, and our security as a nation depends on winning that war.”

Have a good ‘un.