Laugh Tracks in the Dust 10-12-09
This wuz told to me as a true story by a transplanted Montana rancher, ol’ M. Brio Flusher, who ended up in the Flint Hills of Kansas. It happened when he was an early teenager.
It seems Brio had a teenage friend who was baling hay with the friend’s grandpa late one fall. About 4 p.m. on a Friday a part broke on the hay baler and they were 60 miles from the nearest parts store in Billings.
The grandpa reached in his pocket and tossed the keys to his brand new Cadillac to his grandson and said, “Rush over to Billings and pick up that part and get right back here so we can bale some more hay tonight and tomorrow. And lean on it. The dealer closes at 5 o’clock.”
For those who don’t know, Montana is famous for its lax speeding laws. The law reads something about “drive speeds reasonable and prudent for the road conditions.”
Well, the grandson saw a great opportunity to test out his fast driving skills, using his grandpa’s new Caddy, with no possibility of discipline.
So, he floorboards the Caddy and heads to Billings. Enroute, he passed through a tiny rural town famous for the traffic speed trap manned by the local marshall.
The kid’s going 60 miles per hour in a 30 mph zone when the local yokel marshall red-lights him and he pulls over. The “lawman” inquires about the teen’s rushing through his town and the kid explains the dire situation about the hay baler parts and his grandpa’s instructions.
That explanation does no good and the marshall says, “I’m still going to give you a speeding ticket. The fine is $5.”
The boy reached in his pocket and extracts a 10-spot and hands it to the lawman. As the cop prepares to give him his $5 change, the boy says, “Just keep it. I’ll be coming back through in about half an hour and I’ll be going just as fast!”
Oh, the wonderful stories that grandkids give us grandparents. Here’s another true story about a four year old and his year old brother.
Their mom is doing laundry and her sons are quietly watching television in the next room. When the first load of laundry is washed and dried, she goes into the bedroom and begins folding clothes and putting them away.
Pretty soon, her ears – always on the alert for her sons’ comings and goings – hears these words from her 4-year-old coming from the kitchen: “Oh, well, THAT wasn’t such a good idea!”
Curious, mom peeks around the corner and into her kitchen. What she sees is both infuriating and highly laughable. There are broken raw eggs all around her kitchen and cabinets.
Trying to figure out what happened, she begins questioning the 4-year-old. Here’s his explanation:
He went to the refrigerator to get a drink of juice and saw the eggs and decided to play “hide the Easter eggs” with his little brother. Then, as he “hid” each one, he didn’t notice his little brother following along and happily “smashing” each and every egg that he “found.”
After the anger – and the laughter – died down, Mom learned a new lesson: Put the eggs higher in the refrigerator.
This is the week for true stories. My sheep shearing buddy from Iowa, ol’ Nick deHyde, gives this report about Ace, one of his young Border Collies, who is full of vim and vigor, and smart as the dickens, in addition to thinking he’s a human. Oh, did I mention that Ace is a bit mentally deranged?!
Anyway, anything that Nick eats, ol’ Ace thinks he’s entitled to a canine’s fair share. That means he pesters Nick for a bite or more of everything Nick puts into his mouth.
Well, one fine evening recently, Nick and his lovely wife, were sitting on their front porch indulging in some spicy homemade salsa and chips. The ever-present Ace wuz there begging for a bite. And, Nick obliged – thinking one bite of the spicy hot salsa would cure Ace of wanting a second bite.
Wrong! Ace slurped the first bite down and wanted more. So, Nick obliged again, and again, and again, until Ace had wolfed down a half-pint of the pungent salsa. Nick says ol’ Ace never once acted like the pepper heat bothered him, and he never broke into a sweat, which Nick did!
No one knows if Ace had second thoughts about hot salsa the next morning when he emptied his bowels.
Well, I’ve about emptied my brain getting this column written. So, I think I’ll close for the week with these patriotic words from General Douglas MacArthur: “Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it … I am concerned for the security of our great Nation; not so much because of any threat from without, but because of the insidious forces working from within.”
Hope your fall crops have bumper yields and your calves are weaning off heavy.
Have a good ‘un.
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